Steven Paul Jobs - Creative Genuis

I am saddened by the death of Steve Jobs.

I remember my first brush with Apple. 11 years old and my school library’s computer was a mac. I was soooo confused by this technology. It wasn’t anything I was used to. And I remember not using the computer again.
As I got older, I didn’t hear much about macs and Apple and Microsoft continued with their domination of the my IT world.
It wasn’t until I got older and bought my first iPod that Apple entered my life again. Music has always been important to me and the fact that I had this device (with what would go on to become trademark white earphones) that allowed me to arrange my music, buy music so readily – well what more could I ask for?

And then the I purchased the iPhone and I haven’t looked back since. Our house is an Apple house. Maybe I bought into the consumerism of it all but I'm not ashamed.

Steve Jobs created a company but more importantly created a brand. Smart phones, computers and technology in general – all considered “cool” because of one brand. Gone are the days when geeks and technology went hand in hand.

In his own words
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."

A cruel and tragic loss to the world. A true visionary who I truly believe wanted the best for his consumers.

The Apple website could not have put it any better.

RIP Steve Jobs - February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011.

Closure

After this, I knew the wedding was looming. So every so often I would check the website again to see if they had your wedding photos up. And lo and behold they do now. A little stalker-ish I know but that wasn't my intention.

I definitely now have complete closure. It still hurts because I invested so much time in "us" and obviously you chose somebody else. But there's so much that you can't offer me. The wedding looks like a nice affair. Not how I would have done it but nice nonetheless. Your outfit was probably the wrong choice - it makes you look fat and that's not meant in a spiteful way but you've clearly put on weight.

We're definitely done.

Reflection

The AP is in full flow. And it brings out the worst in me.

Because I look at myself and wonder why things are the way they are. Why I'm the way I am. And I'm just not happy with what I see.

And I realise that I'm trying so hard to put on a brave face to everybody that it's destroying me even more.

Acquaintances

I love my friends – B, A, R, RL, SS and all the other random initials you might have seen on here.

I went out on Friday night without them though. Because I know that when we are out, we stick together. We have our own jokes, our own terminology for things, our own little quirks and I am comfortable around them. Friday night was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Invited out for a birthday party of a boy I didn’t know by a girl who I’ve only recently met is not ideal - social butterfly or not!

But I went because as much as I love my friends, they are at different stages to me and trying to talk to them about how I feel makes me scared. Afraid that they’ll judge me. Thinking that I should have moved on by now.

I met a girl. Someone whom I’ve seen around at other parties. We share mutual friends and have said hello to each other more than once but we’ve never had an actual conversation. But Friday night, I was able to share my fears of loneliness, dating sites, marriage and the future because she is in the exact same boat as me. And it happened so easily. We spoke about our pasts and I mentioned the ex because even though it’s been a while, there is still some pain. My physical insecurities are so rarely voiced in public – in fact not at all. I don’t share with anyone how I feel about myself but with her I did. Not because I want her to become my lifelong friend. But because it felt good to be able to share that with someone who I don’t know. Someone who I don’t care if she’ll judge me or not.
I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that with the usual lot. Not because they wouldn’t support me but because they’d know me at my most vulnerable. And I’m not sure if I want them to see that side of me.

I’m not sure if I want anyone to see that side of me. The side that actually cares. The side that is so lonely that it’s sometimes in despair. The side that matters.

9 Months and Counting

It has been 9 months since you told me. And about 7 since I last spoke to you. Things are supposed to get easier with time they say and they have - definitely. But lately I've been missing you. Not in a "love of my life kind of way". But in a "you were my best friend" kind of way. Not being able to share what my latest favourite song is. Not being able to share how I feel about the death of the FBI's most wanted. And it's the littlest thing that trigger me off. Seeing the same car that you drive.
The fact that I am at such a different stage in my life than to that of my nearest and dearest friends.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I can't talk to anyone about it. None of them will understand. And it saddens me. Because despite the smile I put on to the outside world, inside I'm crumbling.

February

Our first date.

Our first kiss.

Our first night together.

I know I shouldn’t be missing you. This year would have been 10 years. And I look back and I think of the good times. Isn’t it funny that when you were in my life every day, I couldn’t remember a good time. And now that you’re gone, those are the times I think of most. I did very well over the new year but February holds a very special place in my heart and that’s why it hurts.

NYE

Wow - New Years Eve. I feel as though it's come around too quickly. This is only going to be a small reflective post. I mean - you guys have been through most of it with me.

I cried my final tears for S yesterday. No more for 2011 I told myself. Not promising but hoping.

It wasn't a bad year. January saw me start a new job and February saw the first of my business trips with a stint in Basel. It also saw the eldest of my baby cousins start his travelling. 10 months later, he's now in Australia and I miss him immensely but with Skype, his blog, Twitter, Facebook, his random texts and a trip to Oz hopefully planned for Summer 2011, I know that he's doing ok. March saw me turn another year older and not so wiser. Betty decided that her time was coming and I was distraught!

April saw me dating (which clearly didn't work out!) and May saw another business trip in Dublin. How excited was I?! Only to not see any of Dublin (I barely saw my hotel room) working 17 hour days! But making myself indispensable at work will hopefully have have good things in store for 2011! June saw a lot of redecorating at home, some hen dos and bridesmaid outfit fittings.

July saw a whole load of weddings. In fact, that is the only thing July really saw. Ooooh and Jay Z at Wireless (plus a whole heap of other celebs!)! Ooooh and the purchase of Hector (my new car!). And then we reach August. August was a shitty month (11 posts in one month can testify to that!). Having my heart broken once and for all proved a lil' too much for me. My emotions ran wild and I was a wreck. Never had I depended on my siblings or my friends as much as I did then. Hindsight is a great thing and looking back I have a few unanswered questions - to myself but I'll deal with those as and when. September saw a continuation of August. Let's be fair - having someone in your life for 10 years and then leave will take a while to come to terms with right?

The last three months saw me fly a lot! October saw me take a trip to Frankfurt which tested my patience with family! November saw me in Athens which tested my patience with friends(!) and December saw a trip to Budapest with a new friend (all of which need photos I know!).

And here we are. I can only go into this new year optimistic. So my friends are hooking up and falling by the wayside but that doesn't mean it's my time. And I don't have to live by anybody else's time lines. New Year resolutions will be made (and most likely broken!) but my heart will be on my sleeve just as it always has been. If I get hurt - then hopefully I'll learn from it.

To all of you that read this blog. It'll be 3 years old in January. What I started out as a lil' bit of fun because I was bored at work has become such a part of my life. In turn as have you those that read and comment. For all your kind words during the year - my words can do you no justice but thank you.

Happy New Year to all. I hope that 2011 is filled with much happiness, laughter, good times, good fortune and love.

Problem

Following this, I didn't swear off men. It would have been the best thing to do considering that I was an emotional wreck.

But I didn't. That doesn't mean I actively went out looking to meet someone. But I did. Meet someone. And it looks as though getting attached to people and wearing my heart on my sleeve is more of a hindrance and a problem than anything else.

Answered

Your call.

I shouldn't have.

Inability

I don't know if I have it in me to put myself out there. To allow my heart to get hurt. I believe that good things happen to good people. And good things come to those who wait. But sometimes I question that if good things were to happen to me, then I wouldn't be the way God made me. Or how long am I supposed to wait.

I know I'm not alone in heartbreak - the blogs I read tell me that. And it pains me. I know that we're better off in some instances. But how can I believe the advice that I try to tell them when I hardly believe it myself?

I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. But I can't help myself.

Too Much?

For me, this blog offers an outlet. Blogging allows me to express myself.


But reading back on some of my posts - I wonder if I should have wrote what I did. Cathartic as it is, it only seems to remind me of how I felt. Opening up old wounds. Reminding me of how things were. Questioning how things could have been.


Am I doing the right thing by putting it all out here? Or should I have not wrote anything at all? Could it be that if there's no evidence of it, then the memories will be easier to forget?

More importantly - do I want to forget?

The Worst Part

You were in my dream last night. Or it could have been the early hours of this morning.

You were lying next to me in bed and we were facing each other.

Telling me that it was going to be OK. That we were going to be OK.

And I, like the fool that I am, believed you.

But the worst part? The worst part was waking up and knowing that that's not how it goes.

Why?

Why did you have to call me?

Why did I have to answer?

Why is it like this?

Smell

My hand cream has a distinctive smell. What’s worse is that it’s the hand cream I used for the very first time when we went on holiday together. So it reminds me of you.

But the more I use, the more that memory starts to fade. And I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.

Letting go of you, us and what could have been is hard.

Hurt

It’s been a week now since I found out. And for the first four days, I was an emotional wreck. Bursting into tears at any given moment. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t tell anyone for the first two days apart from those that read the blog. Telling them made it real. But then I realised that I couldn’t do it on my own. So I told my siblings. My brother first seeing as he was around. God, that was hard. My siblings have always liked you. I wasn’t able to stop the tears. And then my sister, later on that night once she was around. My sister (being the feisty girl she is), did not mince her words. I think sometimes you need tough love to help you come to term with things. She called you all kinds of names. It didn’t ease the hurt any less but I knew I was loved. Not the love that is offered from a companion but unconditional love from my family. And yet it still hurt and the tears kept coming. The worst was trying not to let Amma see me cry. That night, after I told my siblings, my sister went to work and I remember my brother giving me the biggest hug whilst I cried on his shoulder. And still it hurt.

Amma knows now as well, I think she would have like to have seen us end up together but it’s enough with just my humiliation. I don’t want her to say anything to you and be humiliated also. There’s nothing like a hug from your mum when you’re heartbroken to comfort. And still it hurt.

The weekend came and with nothing to do but wallow, I tried to keep the tears at bay. I wanted to call you. I needed to call you. My brother didn’t leave me alone the whole day. It was almost like I was on suicide watch (no offence). The tears flowed every now and then and I was an emotional wreck. I think what I’ll miss is the fact that I will have no one to call when the AP goes into extreme mode. No one else I know that can relate or talk to about it without judgement. But I will find someone. So you called me on Saturday. To gloat? Most probably not. And I answered. I didn’t cry. I tried again to understand your reasoning. I don’t want a wedding invitation of that I am sure. The goodbye was abrupt. Your battery died before I had a chance to make that complete closure but the intention on my part was clear. And with the feeling of a weight starting to lift, it still hurt but a little less.

Both A and B know now as well. B has never liked you. Thought you were never good enough for me. Couldn’t understand what I saw in you.
A on the other hand wanted us to have a fairytale ending. We were his very own Ross and Rachel. He can’t see why you’ve made this decision. To be fair, I’m not sure anyone can apart from yourself. But you have. And he thinks you’ve “flopped”, which are comforting words to hear on my part. Despite their supporting words, it still hurt. But again, a little bit less.

I have been a right saddo and Googled “inspiration quotes to get over heartbreak” (you can laugh at me), but I have read some words that have made me feel better. I’ve read articles on how to get over it. To let go. And I’ve made a list. The one that these articles tell you to make. It’s what Ross did with Rachel and Julie. I can’t say that it fared well for you.
But let’s face it, compared to what some people are going through in the world, what I'm going through pales in comparison. And with that perspective, it’s hurts that little bit less.

The items associated with memories are slowly being discarded. Some in the bin and some will be given back to you. Some I’ll keep because they’ll remind me that I’ve loved wholeheartedly. And it hurts. And it will continue to hurt but in time, it’ll get easier. I truly believe that. I have to believe that. Because if I don’t, I wouldn’t be me. And being me is more important than believing in what could have been.

To all of you – I can’t thank you enough for the comments that you have left me. Seriously. I know I am emotional (overly sometimes), but your words have been an immense help and by reading them (repeatedly!), it comforts me that there are people whom I’ve never met that are so kind. Thank you.

Fear

What hurts is not that you chose her but that you gave me up so easily.

What hurts is that you can’t give me an answer as to why.

What hurts is that I wasn’t good enough.

What hurts is that I’ve lost my best friend.

What hurts is knowing that you never loved me as much as I loved you.

What hurts is knowing that I will get over you but it might take a while.

What hurts is that you didn’t tell me when it all first started.

What hurts is that the lies continued until the very end.

What hurts is that we didn’t get to say goodbye.

What hurts is that my biggest fear of being alone and unloved has never hurt as much as it does now.

Over

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

When I met you I knew you would be the one for me
'Cause lookin' at you had me feelin' kinda crazy
And what you asked I almost did it automatically
But it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me
Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect babe
You fooled around but see back then it didn't phase me
I thought by stayin' tryin' to change you would be worth it babe
But now I see that tryin' to change you only changed me

All these tears and all of your lies
All these years and now we're sayin' goodbye
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

Now I'm thinkin' that I never should have dealt with you
All this screamin' and this yellin' that we go through
Rainin' late at night I'm sittin' waitin' up for you
Just to tell you how I hate you who've turned in to
So ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you
I'll never play another day of bein' your fool
I wasted all my time on somethin' that just wasn't true
I should have known that I could never ever change you

All these tears and all of your lies
All these years and now we're sayin' goodbye
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
Whenever you see me, don't even speak
I'll never forget what you did to me
Whenever you see me, don't even speak
I'll never forget what you did to me

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin'

Over - Ashanti

Except I didn't leave did I? I stayed. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. And yet it hurts more than I can bear. I have no one to cry to because the person I could cry to doesn't want me.

One Sided

Wow. Someone else huh?

I guess it was a matter of time. No no, I’m fine.

How long have you known her? Oh wow. Three months.

And you want to marry her? Cool.

Me upset? No I’m doing ok.

So where’s she from? She’s Sri Lankan? Cool.

And where does she live now? Manchester – awesome. At least she won’t have to move far.

What is she like? She sounds nice. What do you like about her? She listens to you? Fair enough.

And what does she do? Pharmacist – cool. No, I’m not upset.

Well, it’s up to you how to deal with your parents. I’m sure they’ll come around to it. Grandchildren solve everything!

Seriously I’m ok. How did you expect me to react? You know how I feel. You can’t expect me to say it over and over again.

What does she have that I don’t? Actually no – scrap that. Pretend I didn’t ask that question. Nothing?





Then why her?

A Little Blip

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” - Audrey Hepburn


If only everyone looked at the world this way. Maybe then I'd be beautiful.....

A Picture Over Words

Image courtesy of ponandzi.com