A Little Hope Yet

It's confirmed. I am not hideous. Something which I questioned irrefutably this weekend (refer to this!) and the last few weekends actually.

A HOT guy asked me for my number on Sunday. It's been so long since I've actually been asked for my number, I forgot what it feels like. That feeling of "wow, you think I'm attractive?" followed by "awww, you think I'm attractive!".

A very nice boost to the ego which was in desperate need of boosting.

I know you're all going to ask whether I gave it to him or not. I haven't yet. Because. I have issues.

Introductions Continued..

From here.

So coffee. I was waiting patiently – AJ was running late. As a Tamil, we are renowned for our tardiness and I refuse to fall into this category which means I get to places ridiculously early. About 15 minutes go by when I feel someone hovering over my shoulder – AJ! He kind of just nods his head at me and then walks to meet me (he wasn’t actually in the coffee shop you see). He comes in and says hello and sits down at the table. Immediately, I am aware of the height difference. *crap* is what I am thinking to myself.
He asks me what I want to drink and goes over to join the queue. At which time, I see a “friend” (I use the term loosely – we are acquaintances more so than friends) of mine and his wife in the queue. They don’t see me and I pretend to be busy on my phone. I mean, I really don’t want them to see me. And so I’m busy busy busy on my phone at which point my “friend” comes over to say hi. And proceeds to chat to me (which is very sweet and endearing of him – because he is genuinely a nice guy!), asks me what I’m doing there. I could hardly tell him I’m on a blind date so I feebly mumble that I’m meeting a friend. AJ is still in the queue and I can feel him watching this whole scene. Thankfully my “friend” and his wife leave before AJ gets back to the table with our drinks.

As AJ sits down, I check out his attire – especially his shoes. For me, I think shoes maketh an outfit and you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes that he wears. Luckily for him, his shoes passed the test. As we sit, conversation flows. The height difference drifts to the back of my mind and I’m not as conscious of it as I was when I saw him. We talk about our families, my “friend”, and just general chit chat. It’s light hearted, fun and easy – just the kind of conversations I like.

Unfortunately, I was working so the meeting was fleet. He offered to walk me back to my car (which I thought was very sweet) and to which I agreed. But it didn’t work out in his favour – I think he came up to my chin btu I could be over exaggerating this.

Getting in my car, I over analysed the situation. Nice guy. But short. Nice personality. But short. Could it work? Perhaps. But he’s short! I didn’t think anything more of the situation as work consumed me.

After work, he called me and we spoke briefly – inane chit chat. Apparently a sign that he was keen (considering he called me the same day!).

He also called Monday – our ritual in this brief space of time being that he calls me as I drive home. And I find out that he has told his mum about me. *shock* Erm.. I do start to stutter a little as I feel as though he’s trying to pin me down into a corner. I think his exact phrase was “if you’re ok with it, I’m ok with it” – With what exactly?

I was under the impression I would be allowed to get to know you – not that you would expect me to marry you just because we get on. I didn’t tell him this though. No. Because I’m a coward. Especially when it comes to breaking people’s hearts saying no to people.
The issue is avoided and we part amicably. He calls on Tuesday as I drive home from work, and asks me what I’m feeling. This time, I tell him that he’s a nice guy, but I still don’t know him well enough to commit to anything. To which he replies “are you just stringing me along?”. By this point, alarm bells are ringing at the back of my head. “He’s not giving you any time!!” the voice screams at me.

So I say no, I just don’t know you well enough. And he asks me how long until you do? I can’t give you a time span. What will be will be.

And we are now at Wednesday. I want to point out that we have not even known each other for a week. As I’m driving home, I’m on the phone to B. Just talking. He calls and I see the call waiting but I’ll call him back. So he calls again. And I ignore it. And so 20 minutes later he calls again. By this point he has called me 3 times in the space of 30 minutes. I go home, ignore the calls and spend time with my siblings. In the space of 2 hours, he called me 6 times. SIX TIMES! When I call him back, the conversation goes like this (all on his part)

“How come you didn’t answer?”, “Where were you?”, “Why didn’t you call me?”, “Where have you been?”. My mind is screaming “WTF?!”. But I fob him off with an excuse that I was tired and busy. It’s been a long time since I have had to answer to anybody. But after one week? Are you crazy?! Complete and utter turn off. But I still don’t write him off completely. I sought the advice of friends and spent a long time talking about it with Amma. I decide to give him another shot. Because I have to at least try.

Unfortunately for him, his obsessive behaviour did not go down well with my parents. If he’s like this now, what would he have been like after marriage. And Appa wasn’t entirely happy with his profession – the uncertainty of regular income.
And so the proposal was rejected. And I’m back where I started.

But say I don’t find anyone else? That’s what’s scary.

Introductions

Being of South Asian origin can be hard. Despite growing up in a western country and being influenced by western cultures, there’s still a lot that doesn’t transfer across to South Asian culture.

When you asked people of my generation when we were kids what we wanted to be when we grew up, it was always the typical response; “doctor”, “engineer”, “dentist”, “lawyer” – the jobs that people – parents/family wanted you to be. And for most people, I can understand why this was. My parents worked hard in a foreign country to give their kids the best education they could and for them to have (perhaps unfairly deemed by Asian society) the best vocation.

And so the circle of life flows, you go to school, university, graduate, get a job, become financially stable and then inevitably thoughts toward your own family – a husband, children, grandchildren(!).

Sure, people have relationships, but it’s still very uncommon for people to live together before marriage. Not taboo – but definitely not the way things are done. And maybe in generations to come this will change – but not in mine.

I have seen a few of my closest friends get married over the last couple of years and so has my mother. And I think this is why she insists on seeing me married sometime soon.

A family friend introduced me to this guy. Before he told me about him, he said that he was one inch shorter than me. Height has always been a thing for. But I have also said, that if I find somebody who has every other desirable quality I’m looking but is that little bit shorter than me then I will not let it get in the way. And with that I agreed to talk to this guy (let’s call him AJ). AJ and I spoke last week for the first time. And we agreed to meet up on the Sunday (just gone). A very fleeting coffee meeting because he was late and I had to rush off to work......

(I actually have to get back to work so I'll carry on a little bit... )

Eye Candy

There is a guy who comes into the shop where I work (part time) who is so hot is hurts. Seriously, it physically hurts me. Every time I see him, I kinda turn into jelly. And we've started flirting. Which I know won't end well! But he's soooo HOT. He looks like Pharell Willams. But hotter.

God Damn!

Closure

After this, I knew the wedding was looming. So every so often I would check the website again to see if they had your wedding photos up. And lo and behold they do now. A little stalker-ish I know but that wasn't my intention.

I definitely now have complete closure. It still hurts because I invested so much time in "us" and obviously you chose somebody else. But there's so much that you can't offer me. The wedding looks like a nice affair. Not how I would have done it but nice nonetheless. Your outfit was probably the wrong choice - it makes you look fat and that's not meant in a spiteful way but you've clearly put on weight.

We're definitely done.

Circles

“S and I are meeting B & A for brunch – come!” arrives the text from R.

And I am engulfed in loneliness.

It’s tough being single amongst couples.




*"Enough with the pity party" - this is what I keep telling myself!*

Acquaintances

I love my friends – B, A, R, RL, SS and all the other random initials you might have seen on here.

I went out on Friday night without them though. Because I know that when we are out, we stick together. We have our own jokes, our own terminology for things, our own little quirks and I am comfortable around them. Friday night was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Invited out for a birthday party of a boy I didn’t know by a girl who I’ve only recently met is not ideal - social butterfly or not!

But I went because as much as I love my friends, they are at different stages to me and trying to talk to them about how I feel makes me scared. Afraid that they’ll judge me. Thinking that I should have moved on by now.

I met a girl. Someone whom I’ve seen around at other parties. We share mutual friends and have said hello to each other more than once but we’ve never had an actual conversation. But Friday night, I was able to share my fears of loneliness, dating sites, marriage and the future because she is in the exact same boat as me. And it happened so easily. We spoke about our pasts and I mentioned the ex because even though it’s been a while, there is still some pain. My physical insecurities are so rarely voiced in public – in fact not at all. I don’t share with anyone how I feel about myself but with her I did. Not because I want her to become my lifelong friend. But because it felt good to be able to share that with someone who I don’t know. Someone who I don’t care if she’ll judge me or not.
I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that with the usual lot. Not because they wouldn’t support me but because they’d know me at my most vulnerable. And I’m not sure if I want them to see that side of me.

I’m not sure if I want anyone to see that side of me. The side that actually cares. The side that is so lonely that it’s sometimes in despair. The side that matters.

9 Months and Counting

It has been 9 months since you told me. And about 7 since I last spoke to you. Things are supposed to get easier with time they say and they have - definitely. But lately I've been missing you. Not in a "love of my life kind of way". But in a "you were my best friend" kind of way. Not being able to share what my latest favourite song is. Not being able to share how I feel about the death of the FBI's most wanted. And it's the littlest thing that trigger me off. Seeing the same car that you drive.
The fact that I am at such a different stage in my life than to that of my nearest and dearest friends.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I can't talk to anyone about it. None of them will understand. And it saddens me. Because despite the smile I put on to the outside world, inside I'm crumbling.

Cornered

April hasn’t been a very productive month for me blog wise.

I’ve been so caught up in trying to figure out what to wear to the Royal Wedding (if only!).

I love weddings. Well certain parts to them.

RL was married over the weekend. Hindu ceremony on the Saturday and the Christian ceremony on the Sunday. I really enjoyed myself – how she and the groom and their families managed to arrange such a beautiful wedding in such a short space of time is beyond me.

My mum attended the Hindu ceremony with me and not once did she raise the question of “So, does anyone take your fancy?”. My own mother – I was so proud.
A comes over to say hello and promptly asks “So – what about that guy over there? I can hook you up you know!”.

The Christian ceremony was for only for family and close friends due to lack of space. I was seated with three recently married couples (B, A, G and their respective halves). I do like to leave myself open for punishment it seems.
Our conversation pretty much ranged from
“So when is it your turn?”, “What kind of guy are you looking for?”, “What about that guy over there?”, “Go and talk to him” to “Man – married life is hard”, “We need to get our own place but it’s so expensive”, “We have our own place and it’s sooo expensive”, “You can’t eat that” and a little bit more. But that’s not the point of this post.

The bit I love most about weddings is the dancing. And if you don’t know by now, Myself, A and his wife R, RL and her husband amongst many of our other friends are freshies. We love Tamil music. We especially love Koothu/Gaana. I can’t help but move when I hear it. And RL catered for the crowd. On came the choons and off we went!
A always tells me that there must be no music around if I want to meet a guy because I concentrate so much on dancing that he probably wouldn’t get a look in (so true it’s sad!).

As the end of the evening approached, time for the bride to throw her bouquet. And so I stepped quietly away from the corwd of girls that were gathering. Purely because I’m not that kind of person. UNTIL A and R decided to bellow across the dance floor (the music was turned down by this point so everyone could hear!) “SCRUMPS! SCRUMPS! Get into the crowd. Get to the front!” And then promptly came over and pushed me towards the crowd.
If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, it only gets worse. I managed to escape them and find a corner at the back of the room away from this. What does RL do? She throws her bouquet as faaaaaar back as possible so it lands on the table next to where I am standing. To which A and R come running over and thrust it into my hands.

I tried to profusely proclaim that it shouldn’t be mine but no one would hear anything of it. Next thing I know there is a mic in front of me. Me being the ever cool, calm and collected girl that I am somewhat hysterically just muttered “I need to go home”.

(Though, once I had that bouquet in my hand though, I didn’t put it down for fear that someone might try and take it from me!)

However, I don’t think the same implications apply if you don’t actually catch a bouquet! Hopefully, it’ll help my family and friends relax a little!

Sins

As I stand waiting for my friend on this beautiful spring evening and I see all the couples around me, I can't help but feel envy.

1 down. 6 to go.

With Friends Like These

"Man u are utterly awesome. It's a shame u are currently destined for spinster-dom!"

Gee - thanks!