The Lesser of Two Evils

Marrying someone you're not in love with to escape an alcoholic parent?

or

Living with an alcoholic parent and wait to marry someone you love?

Reflection

The AP is in full flow. And it brings out the worst in me.

Because I look at myself and wonder why things are the way they are. Why I'm the way I am. And I'm just not happy with what I see.

And I realise that I'm trying so hard to put on a brave face to everybody that it's destroying me even more.

Numbers

Sometimes I think that my family would be better off being a family of 4....

Your Daughter

*Disclaimer*: Highly (overdue) angst post to follow!

I think I've mentioned somewhere on here before that I have an alcoholic parent (AP). The AP and I have never got along. I guess that's just the way it's meant to be in our house. We're so similar you see. If you believe in all that numerology stuff, you could say it's because we're the same number. Or it's because the AP has raised me and and certain aspects of their personality have rubbed off on me. Whatever the reason may be, we don't get along.
It doesn't help matters that the non alcoholic parent (NAP) is quite defenceless when dealing with the AP.

The AP shows their love for my siblings so much more than for me. It's probably because they always give in and fund the AP for their habit. Or because they let the AP get on with their stuff when drunk. I don't know but for whatever reason, it always end up coming back to me.

I am the cause the of everything.

"Your daughter...." AP tells NAP.

"Everything that goes wrong is because of your daughter."

"She's the one who's going to be downfall of this family."

"Either she goes or I go."

And blah blah blah. Tell me something that I haven't already heard before.

AP wasn't always like this. There was a time when I would stay out of their way and things would flow that little bit more smoothly in our house. But nowadays, it's like AP picks a fight with me. Knowing that with just that little bit more persistent goading, I'll give in and retaliate.

I try so hard not. Believe me. I've even taken to leaving the house and walk the streets until I know that enough time has passed for AP to calm down or fall asleep. Anything to spare NAP and siblings what I know will follow. The ranting about how I'm such a disappointment and that I'll bring shame to the family with the amount of guys I'm supposedly with! It's something that I've heard repetitively but something that doesn't hurt any less when it gets shouted out there in the open.

The thing is, I don't know how much AP remembers the following morning. If I try to avoid them and not talk to them, I can hardly help myself because when AP is sober, they're back to being the parent I remember from my childhood.