Introductions

Being of South Asian origin can be hard. Despite growing up in a western country and being influenced by western cultures, there’s still a lot that doesn’t transfer across to South Asian culture.

When you asked people of my generation when we were kids what we wanted to be when we grew up, it was always the typical response; “doctor”, “engineer”, “dentist”, “lawyer” – the jobs that people – parents/family wanted you to be. And for most people, I can understand why this was. My parents worked hard in a foreign country to give their kids the best education they could and for them to have (perhaps unfairly deemed by Asian society) the best vocation.

And so the circle of life flows, you go to school, university, graduate, get a job, become financially stable and then inevitably thoughts toward your own family – a husband, children, grandchildren(!).

Sure, people have relationships, but it’s still very uncommon for people to live together before marriage. Not taboo – but definitely not the way things are done. And maybe in generations to come this will change – but not in mine.

I have seen a few of my closest friends get married over the last couple of years and so has my mother. And I think this is why she insists on seeing me married sometime soon.

A family friend introduced me to this guy. Before he told me about him, he said that he was one inch shorter than me. Height has always been a thing for. But I have also said, that if I find somebody who has every other desirable quality I’m looking but is that little bit shorter than me then I will not let it get in the way. And with that I agreed to talk to this guy (let’s call him AJ). AJ and I spoke last week for the first time. And we agreed to meet up on the Sunday (just gone). A very fleeting coffee meeting because he was late and I had to rush off to work......

(I actually have to get back to work so I'll carry on a little bit... )

Isn't It Funny

How life has a way of reminding you of things you want to forget?

Facebook news feeds. With the profile of your wife.

I must have really pissed off Karma.

Confession

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! With far too many pictures and a few blog posts to write. 


Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. But I went to see B yesterday and stayed the night and this morning she convinced me to call in sick. Which I did. I've never done that! I feel so guilty. The worse part though is lying to my family about how my day at work was! I even changed into my work outfit before I left B's so that they wouldn't suspect anything!


I'm going to hell!


However, she did ask me to be her baby's Godmother so I can't be all that bad.

Closure

After this, I knew the wedding was looming. So every so often I would check the website again to see if they had your wedding photos up. And lo and behold they do now. A little stalker-ish I know but that wasn't my intention.

I definitely now have complete closure. It still hurts because I invested so much time in "us" and obviously you chose somebody else. But there's so much that you can't offer me. The wedding looks like a nice affair. Not how I would have done it but nice nonetheless. Your outfit was probably the wrong choice - it makes you look fat and that's not meant in a spiteful way but you've clearly put on weight.

We're definitely done.

It's Official!

I am old. Not just chronologically but mentally too.

My train just pulled into a station and there were what seemed like a thousand school kids on the platform. My reaction? "Oh shit!". And then I thought to myself that that's what adults probably said about me and my friends when we were that age!

Crap.

Who Can?

Dukan!!!

Yes - that was a really poor pun. What to do?

I am going to do the Dukan Diet I think. I'm still contemplating it. I've read lots but I'm going to have to plan what I can and can't eat.

Will let you know when I've started! :

XOXO

Remember when I wrote this?

And Auf wrote this.

Now someone (someone who is a hottie as well) has started to end their texts with x.

Confused? Yeah - that'd be me!

Ten on Tuesday

I thought I’d do start doing this (well I’d do it today and see how it goes from there!) and I’m doing it on Wednesday so I am late (almost fashionably but not quite) as always! I’ll probably pick up on the 30 Days challenges in about 6 months!

1. If you could watch only one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be? Remember the Titans – because against all adversity, it shows us that there is good in the world. And we can change something if we believe in it enough.

2. Let’s say someone wrote a screenplay about you; what actor/actress would you choose to play you and why? I'm going to say Anne Hathaway though I don't have a reason for it!

3. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in theaters? Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves – And I remember the AP turning up wasted halfway through. Good times!

4. Did you ever make out at the back of a movie theater in middle school/high school? Not in middle or high school but first year of uni. “Make out” is a bit of an understatement…..

5. Are you a Netflix-er, Blockbuster-er or a Redbox-er? (Or none of the above?) For legal reasons – none of the above.

6. Name one actor/actress who you would give anything to have a dinner date with. Ian Somerholder. Do I need a reason? Enough said.

7. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Oh God. So many but one that sticks out in my mind over the last couple of years is Be Kind, Rewind. It was just a pointless film if you ask me.

8. Do you sneak snacks into the theater when you go? Always! Snacks are overpriced at the cinema. You pay extortionate prices to see a film and then have to pay even more extortionate prices to eat that junk?! No thank you.

9. Movie theater popcorn: love or hate it? Love it!

10. What is the all-time best Disney movie in your opinion? Sleeping Beauty. I love the three fairy godmothers!

Acquaintances

I love my friends – B, A, R, RL, SS and all the other random initials you might have seen on here.

I went out on Friday night without them though. Because I know that when we are out, we stick together. We have our own jokes, our own terminology for things, our own little quirks and I am comfortable around them. Friday night was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Invited out for a birthday party of a boy I didn’t know by a girl who I’ve only recently met is not ideal - social butterfly or not!

But I went because as much as I love my friends, they are at different stages to me and trying to talk to them about how I feel makes me scared. Afraid that they’ll judge me. Thinking that I should have moved on by now.

I met a girl. Someone whom I’ve seen around at other parties. We share mutual friends and have said hello to each other more than once but we’ve never had an actual conversation. But Friday night, I was able to share my fears of loneliness, dating sites, marriage and the future because she is in the exact same boat as me. And it happened so easily. We spoke about our pasts and I mentioned the ex because even though it’s been a while, there is still some pain. My physical insecurities are so rarely voiced in public – in fact not at all. I don’t share with anyone how I feel about myself but with her I did. Not because I want her to become my lifelong friend. But because it felt good to be able to share that with someone who I don’t know. Someone who I don’t care if she’ll judge me or not.
I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that with the usual lot. Not because they wouldn’t support me but because they’d know me at my most vulnerable. And I’m not sure if I want them to see that side of me.

I’m not sure if I want anyone to see that side of me. The side that actually cares. The side that is so lonely that it’s sometimes in despair. The side that matters.

The Chemist In Me

Loves it! :) Such a geek and proud!

(image courtesy of Google)

Bonus

I got one! And yet I've pretty much spent it all already ! :(

Actually

It was my birthday today. God I'm old! :(

Guess What

Day it is tomorrow?! :P

It Can Only Get Better!

I bet you're dying to know how the "meet-up" went?

Piss poor really. There are plenty of other adjectives to sum it up but why waste words.

Thankfully it didn't take place at home. At the last minute, he somewhat redeemed himself and suggested coffee and I may have surprised him at how quickly I agreed!

We both arrived relatively at the same time so at least there wasn't any awkward waiting around. But there was definitely more awkward moments than needed. He was taller than me - bonus and he was nice enough looking. But that doesn't mean I found the rubbish coming out of his mouth attractive. I think he found my independence slightly intimidating especially when I had an opinion on stuff. To be fair, I'm sure he's a very nice guy but he's just not my very nice guy. And he's called a few times since but I did tell him on the last call that it won't work out. I think he was as relieved as I was!

And if you thought that was bad, I have been roped into going into Tamil Speed Dating on Saturday - oh the joys of being single!

My Very Own Tamil Movie Moment Gone Wrong!

You know how they say that girls dream of fairytale endings? You know, how we watch too much Disney movies and rom-coms and want to believe that our prince Charming is out there and our love story will be one of those like an all time classic? Well I’m not one of them. Sure, I believe in true love and truly want to believe that my Prince Charming is out there but past experiences lead me to be believe that this is unlikely. Besides, I’ve always envisaged my life as a bit of a Tamil film. Boy and girl meet. Fall in love. Parents don’t agree. Boy beats up potential father in law. Potential father in law sets right all his wrong and accepts boy with open arms . I’ve never understood these by the way but they make entertaining viewing.

Last Sunday it was time for my “fantasy” to become a “reality”.

Amma received the details of some boy (SB). SB’s mum was here and she spoke to my mum and they swapped charts and it was agreed that me and SB would get to know each other. This was about 10 days ago. Sunday morning, my amma pulls back my duvet and tells me that “they” are coming to see me. “Who?” I ask pulling back the duvet over my head and closing my eyes in the hope she’d leave me alone! “SB and co” she replies. WTF? Why do they want to see me for? What?! And I was induced into panicking – HARD!

“Ponnu Paarkurathu” (Bride viewing in English), was not something I'd really anticipated. At all. What to wear? How to style my hair? And having never having done this, my only reference being Tamil films!

I didn’t want to be there. I ended up wearing a shalwar kameez, left my hair in its curly ringlets and waited. Their arrival was sounded by the doorbell and I waited in the dining room. SB’s mum, sister and brother in law had come. No SB – erm... OK... Surely this was a two way thing – I should get to see him as well right? I waited and waited and thought that I would get away with not having to see them when my aunt called me. And it was awful. I felt like such a cliché, looking at the floor as I walked in. And this is not because I was going for the demure and shy look (because I’m hardly that am I?!)! but purely because I didn’t know where else to look - I didn't want to make eye contact with any of them. And then my mum said “Oh, you can look up”. So I did and they spoke about me as if I wasn’t there. I stayed for about 7 minutes before I said “OK – I’m going back next door now” and ran like an elephant walked like an angel out of the door.

And then about 10 minutes later, they left. With photos of me. Saying that they liked me. Well, jolly good for you! SB called me later that night. Said he’d seen my photos and would like to meet me. Can he come to my house this weekend?! MY HOUSE?! Can’t we meet in a coffee shop like our other modern day peers?! I said OK – because I know that that’s what my amma would want me to do.

I’ve had two conversations with SB since then. We have nothing in common. He doesn’t go out. He doesn’t like girls to go out after a certain time. Our first conversation ended like this:

SB: “Can I ask you a question?”
Scrumps: “Of course”
SB: “What would you do if I told you weren’t allowed out somewhere that you wanted to go to?”
Scrumps: *cough* *splutter* “I think my mum’s calling me. Can I call you back later?”

And now I have to call him tonight (coz he called me last night) and I have to meet him on Sunday.

What a load of bollocks!

Mortified

Since buying Hector, I have started taking the train to and from work. This usually takes me an hour and a half considering that I work somewhere in outer Mongolia! (OK – a slight exaggeration.)

In order to keep myself occupied, I’ve started using the time to my advantage and have started catching up on all the American series’ that I watch (Vampire Diaries, Hawaii 5-O, The Mentalist, Nikita, 90210 etc....). I’m currently up to date on all of these so I thought I’d start watching a new one (hey – I have to use the time on the train!) so I downloaded True Blood. I’d heard good things about it so I thought I’d give it a go.

I work along a popular route you see and my train gets quite packed. I’m fortunate however to be able to grab a seat as I get on at the very first stop. I usually choose a two seater and sit next to the window. Just because it’s a little secluded and I’m not in a bay of 4 or 6 and have to rest my netbook on my lap (the two seaters have the fold down trays).

There I was this morning watching the very first episode of True Blood when up pops the image of a woman’s breasts and the scene goes on to show a man with his face in a very sensitive area of hers (tastefully done obviously)! OK – so it wasn’t on there for long – 2 seconds at the most but it felt like a minute to me. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone on the train because I didn’t want them to think that I was watching porn (Not that there’s anything wrong with watching porn but a time and place people!) God knows what the lady sitting next to me must have thought! I spent the next 30 minutes apprehensively watching the rest of the episode praying that nothing of the same nature came up.

Maybe I should rethink my choice of train appropriate viewing material!

Happy Times

I used to work with this beautiful Mauritian guy (JB). Honestly, I remember the first time he walked into the shop I worked at and from then on, every Saturday I looked forward to knowing that I would see him. He was so hot and of course he had that French Creole accent going on so I pretty much melted every time he spoke. Which unfortunately wasn't that much because he was quite quiet but I made the most of it. It wasn't a secret that I thought he was beautiful and my manager at the time (when he himself wasn't sexually harassing "flirting" with me!) had great fun making us both feel quite uncomfortable. There came a point where JB asked me out to the cinema so I agreed. We went to see a Hindi film. With no English subtitles. Which basically meant I sat there whispering into his ear asking questions about the plot line!

The time came for me to leave my Saturday job - and I was sad to be leaving JB. We'd begun to get along really well. As I was getting ready to leave, in walks JB with a beautiful bunch of roses. I wasn't as emotional then as I am now but I was so touched. I still have those dried roses!

And then JB had to go back to Mauritius. We kept in touch and I thought to myself that I would have somewhere to stay if I ever visited the place!

Last September I received a phone call. A number I didn't recognise. And it was JB! He was back to do his MSc. YAY!

Despite our random FB messages, we only managed to meet up yesterday. Lunch and a movie followed by a romantic friendly walk around Covent Garden. He told me there would be reindeer there! Whilst I was watching a street performer, he told me to wait there and he was going to look for them. He came back with a paper bag.

S: What did you get?

JB: A pretzel. I was hungry!

S: We just ate! How are you hungry?

JB: Do you want some?

S: No thank you.

JB: Well I had mine - this one is for you.

And then he promptly handed me the bag. And it wasn't a pretzel. It was a cuddly toy!

And I melted some more. *swoon*

Problem

Following this, I didn't swear off men. It would have been the best thing to do considering that I was an emotional wreck.

But I didn't. That doesn't mean I actively went out looking to meet someone. But I did. Meet someone. And it looks as though getting attached to people and wearing my heart on my sleeve is more of a hindrance and a problem than anything else.

The Worst Part

You were in my dream last night. Or it could have been the early hours of this morning.

You were lying next to me in bed and we were facing each other.

Telling me that it was going to be OK. That we were going to be OK.

And I, like the fool that I am, believed you.

But the worst part? The worst part was waking up and knowing that that's not how it goes.

Unfoolish

If you Google the lyrics to Ashanti's "Unfoolish" - you'll see I'm in a good place today.

I've copied and pasted the first verse and the chorus just to give you an idea of how I am:

I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave

No more broken heart for me

No more tellin' your lies to me

I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see

No more givin' you everythin'

There's no more takin' my love from me

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you

And though my heart can't take no more,I can't keep running back to you

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you

And though my heart can't take no more,

I won't keep running back to you

You know the tears have finally stopped. Not completely but at least they've stopped being continuous. To be fair, I've been busy - I haven't thought about him as much. That closure call really helped. I miss him. Not as a better half but as my best friend.

But - friendships are always being lost and gained. So hopefully there's other things in store.