My friend has been committed under Section 2 of the Metal Health Act.
Should we (as the people in her life) have been able to see this happening? Erratic emails put down to work stress. FB status updates that made no sense but not in an incoherent way.
When I found out I cried. Because I am at a loss. It's a helpless situation at the moment.
She’s so young.
I nearly made it two years. TWO whole years!
I haven't posted the happiest stuff recently and it's not likely to get better any time soon. How many more times can my heart get broken? You think I would have realised by now that putting myself emotionally out there will only result in more tears. But I am not that strong. What you see is the way that I feel. And you might think that when your heart is broken and the hurt begins to stop that your heart is fixed. But it's not. It just temporarily been duct taped together to break once more. More easily. And it hurts just as much each time.
I hate where I fucking work on Mondays and Tuesdays!
So fucking much!
And my brother is covering for me whilst I am away for 4 weeks - poor thing!
They're just so fucking lame!
Many today will wake up with a feeling of disbelief. The death of Michael Jackson is something unexpected. Despite for all his failing health, I honestly thought that I'd get to hear the reviews of his 50 date sell out tour.
Nothing like this has happened to us and yet yesterday it kinda did.
Someone tried to break into our house yesterday! :-( Thankfully they didn't actually manage to get in so nothing was taken but it still feels like rubbish.
And on top of that - the police must have sent the dustiest police officer ever! He was in such a rush to get away that he didn't even bother looking at the house. When I asked him if wanted to see if anyone had tried to enter through the back, he said "Oh yeah, I guess I should have a look around."!
WTF?! Seriously?!
So far today has been spent calling the insurance people, waiting for forensics and trying to sort out all the other bloody admin stuff.
We were thinking about moving before but this incident has definitely accelerated the process.
I really shouldn't write blog posts when I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out.
How is it that a few words can be so hurtful?
Do I take things too much to heart? Perhaps.
I know every family has it's ups and downs. And I know that there are people out there who are going through so much worse if not more.
But how many times can I only be one parent's daughter? What kinda conception does that make me? Or did the stork just drop me off?
That's right, I'm above average. I'm modest enough to accept it. I mean, it's hard enough right, being above average let alone not having the ability to take it gracefully!
Well, I am above average according to this. Clearly they didn't question me because if they had, I would have been maybe one of few anomalies. Because I am a cry baby. Seriously. I cry at everything. Well, maybe not everything but most things. For example (and not short of putting myself out there to a barrage of ridicule from you guys); I cry at One Tree Hill, most Tamil films, some English films, every Disney film, when Appa or Amma shout at me, when my siblings shout at me, when my siblings fight with each other and it has nothing to do with me(!), when I bang my knee on the table leg – OK, not quite but you get what I mean?
But yesterday I was just couldn’t help myself. And I had good reason too. It started off with my normal journey to work where I picked up a free paper and the front page was regarding this story. I couldn't help myself. I actually welled up on the train - in front of other people! How can people find it within themselves to do this kind of thing?! And how in the world does a country that is supposedly developed allow this kind of thing to happen?! I was so upset that I had a few concerned looks but managed to compose myself without making too much of an idiot out of myself.
If that wasn't enough, I watched this last night. WTF?! Seriously, it was some disturbing viewing for the sheer fact that these poor children had been (and continue being so) ostracised and mistreated. I was literally sitting there with those silent tears (you know those ones I'm such a big fan of!).
What is wrong with the world?!
There's something about being beeped at by a 55 year old bus driver that just doesn't do anything for your ego!
Says "It's not that I don't trust you, I just can't depend on you."
B called me the other night not long after I published the last post. And she basically said that I had told A her business. Obviously I didn't. You'd think that after however many years of friendship, she wouldn't have to question that but she did.
If only she knew that A doesn't give a shit which is why she never comes up in our conversations (they had a falling out about 6 weeks ago!).
But question it she did. Emotional as I am, I basically told her that I hate having to prove myself to her constantly. Over and over again that I am going to tell her shit to other people. Why would I do that?! Does she think that once she's told me, I go out thinking "So let me go and tell everyone coz I've nothing else to do!"?! It's bollocks really.
She also said that she feels as though I put A before her. Not true if you ask me because of the countless occasions that I have been there when I could have been with A. The fucking paranoia and jealousy is beyond my amusement now. Seriously. Get over it. If you don't get along with him, fair enough. I haven't asked you two to be friends.
The thing is, I know how pathetic this all sounds. Right now, I just want my own time and space.
Last night, I went through some pretty rubbish shit. Nothing to do with this. Family and business issues in which threats were made, property was damaged and police were called.
You know when you can't talk to adults to make them see sense - to show them that even though you may not want to do it - there is only one feasible option and it's the best.
The threat making people are serious. Do you know how much I begged and cried my heart out last night to make sure that they didn't hurt you? To buy that little bit of extra time and say that I will find the money. I will give it to them so that your pride doesn't get your property further damaged, your children hurt or whatever else there could be.
I'm a mess at the moment and the people that I should have been able to turn to aren't there. As you do get older (and yes I'm old!), you see things a lot clearer. You can't trust or depend upon anyone other than yourself.
I'm not bitter - just honest.
I love it when we get a public holiday. Unfortunately, we're not as lucky as some to have Poya days every month!
Reading 69's post made me reminisce about sex (and how long it has been since I've had any!).
I was 19 when I first had sex. I'd met this guy (S) through a friend and we got to know each other over 6 months before I came to the conclusion that maybe I could trust him and that he wouldn't break my heart. I was young and naïve and clearly overwhelmed that somebody could be interested in me!
It's difficult to determine at which point a couple go from "getting to knowing each other" to actually "becoming a couple". I mean, when I was younger (more so than I already am!), it was simple. A simple "will you go out with me?" would suffice and you'd either become one half of the newest couple in your circle of friends or you'd have a bruised ego for a while.
So, I don't know at which point we exactly became a couple but we did. I'd heard all the stories and read all the teenage girly magazines that said you shouldn't be pressured into having sex, that you should wait until you're really ready and all that other "advice".
I remember it so well. Maybe because it was my first relationship. My first real boyfriend. Someone who wanted to be with me because of who I am - not what I could give them or how quickly they could get into my pants! The honeymoon period - where whatever you say doesn't fall on deaf ears, where kissing is still not underrated, where holding hands is appreciated because any kind of body contact still manages to send your libido into overdrive(!) and where those late night phone calls can last until the early hours of the morning. Even when you sleep for only 3 hours and they're still the first person you call!
We'd been together officially for about a month before I decided that I wanted to sleep with him. I think that I already knew I wanted to, but the logistics of it all (when, where and ultimately how?!) were what had me a lil' worried.
A few weeks later, it was his birthday and so we decided to spend the night together. He never pressured me into anything which is why I think I felt all the more comfortable. I'm not going to sit here and type all the details of it. There isn't any need for it. But I remember it so well. And I remember how he made me a cup of tea when we woke up and how he looked after me. How he made me feel - wanted, desired, loved, safe and so much more!
We were together for 2 years officially and about 3 years on and off after that and unofficially. We stopped talking about two months ago and it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be - especially when I have time to think about things like the above!
The title itself might give this post away as being a bit emotional and angst ridden. But I need advice. And in the real world (as opposed to the blogger world), I can't ask anyone without them asking all sorts of questions and prying much further than that which is actually required. Also, I'm very sorry about the length but please try and read it all the way through - I need all (and any of) the help I can get
I'm a very giving person - I give myself completely to those that mean the world to me. I do everything that is within my capability if it means I'm helping someone out. And most often than not, I usually can help out. But with this I can't. Yesterday I felt helpless as I sat and watched my friend hurt.
My friend has a problem. An addiction. To gambling. So much so that he lost over £2K in last two days. I haven't been friends with him long - though time is not an issue in defining great friendships. I knew he liked to have a little gamble. I mean, he even told me that he only had a certain allowance he gave himself and if he spent all of that, then that was that. Clearly it's a lot worse than I could ever dream about.
Despite us being good friends, we've never had the deep and meaningful moment where our friendship has been cemented. A lot of our conversations are jestful abuse (him to me) followed by a few heated political debates to the most mind numbing and random rubbish. When he called yesterday morning, I was mentally prepared for the abuse but somehow it never came. Instead he was brutally honest with me. There was something so raw about it that I welled up. What do you say to someone who has accepted that they have a problem? Something that you know nothing about; that you can't even begin to comprehend!
And so I gave him the best pep talk that I could. Told him that we would get through it. I found the number for Gamblers Anonymous and promised I would go to meetings if he was willing to try it. And this was all by mid day!
He called in the evening not ready to go home - do I want to chill? If you need me - I will be there. As a typical SL family, my parents are hardly likely to let me out no questions asked. But my amma has proved testament to the fact that she trusts me and supports me in everything I do (nearly!) and that she knew someone needed me and let me go.
"I don't know what time I'll be back amma."
"So long as it's not too late."
I meet him, punch him on the arm (remember I throw a mean kickboxing punch!) and buy him dinner. We sit in the car and I see an incredibly vulnerable person - so different from the obnoxious bully I'm so familiar with. We drive around. And it gets late - I would stay all night if I could but I know he has to go home. I drive him home and we drive past his house twice. Still not ready. We sit in the car on a parallel road as I struggle to find the words that will help him feel that everything will be alright. We can't prolong the inevitable and so he makes a move. Watching him walk to the door pains me. I have never seen him so dejected.
Silent tears fall all the way home.
I've confiscated his bank card in a bid that knowing he doesn't have it means he can't use it in the bookies but how do I help him cope with this?
Not the number of times I'm having sex - no (well, that too!).
Logging onto FB! Don't get me wrong - I'm an avid fan of FB. It's put me back in touch with a lot of people that I'd lost contact with. It's also put me in contact with people who I didn't really want to talk to once we'd left high school.
It's here that my ranting begins.
1. If I didn't talk to you in high school - I don't want to talk to you now. Please don't add me - I will reject you.
2. If we were friends at high school, but we lost touch and you can't see any pictures of me - it's because you're on Limited Profile (LP). If you keep bugging me about pictures, I will tell you that!
3. If I've only met you once/said one word to you, then the chances are I will not go home and search through our mutual friends to add you. Please try not to do the same. I won't be offended!
And by far the worst that I've seen:
4. People who I know that couldn't stand each other in the past/never spoke to each other are FB friends with each other! Why?
One of my friend's GF added me the other day. I ummed and ahhed about it for a whole day before rejecting her! I've never met her nor have I ever spoken to her. Just because I'm good friends with her BF doesn't mean we have to be friends! She wasn't impressed apparently - well tough shit!
A haphazard post done just before I leave work! Apologies for any spelling or grammatical errors as well as the randomness of it! :)
I like you. A lot.
I know we're friends and you don't see me in that way.
I know I'm not your type.
I know that my friends think that I can do better. But they don't know you like I do.
They don't see the guy who doesn't want to become emotionally vulnerable by showing too much of himself.
They don't see the guy who makes me laugh. Who makes me forget about my worries.
They don't see the guy who has ambitions. You don't show that side of yourself to them.
I also know that you do my head in.
I know that you trust me with things that I'm not allowed to tell another soul.
I know you've said I'm the Yin to your Yang. That I'm your better half.
I know you don't know that it crushes me when you tell me this. That you don't know how I'm feeling inside.
I know that you'll meet the girl who's meant to be but is not me.
But I had to tell you. If only to extinguish the "what if?" hope that lies within. :(
