Welcomed Addition

B gave birth to a baby boy today at 12:16. 8lbs 8oz.

Healthy and beautiful.

Mr & Mrs B will make amazing parents - of that I have no doubt.

The Worst Part

You were in my dream last night. Or it could have been the early hours of this morning.

You were lying next to me in bed and we were facing each other.

Telling me that it was going to be OK. That we were going to be OK.

And I, like the fool that I am, believed you.

But the worst part? The worst part was waking up and knowing that that's not how it goes.

Unfoolish

If you Google the lyrics to Ashanti's "Unfoolish" - you'll see I'm in a good place today.

I've copied and pasted the first verse and the chorus just to give you an idea of how I am:

I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave

No more broken heart for me

No more tellin' your lies to me

I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see

No more givin' you everythin'

There's no more takin' my love from me

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you

And though my heart can't take no more,I can't keep running back to you

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you

And though my heart can't take no more,

I won't keep running back to you

You know the tears have finally stopped. Not completely but at least they've stopped being continuous. To be fair, I've been busy - I haven't thought about him as much. That closure call really helped. I miss him. Not as a better half but as my best friend.

But - friendships are always being lost and gained. So hopefully there's other things in store.

Why?

Why did you have to call me?

Why did I have to answer?

Why is it like this?

Smell

My hand cream has a distinctive smell. What’s worse is that it’s the hand cream I used for the very first time when we went on holiday together. So it reminds me of you.

But the more I use, the more that memory starts to fade. And I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.

Letting go of you, us and what could have been is hard.

Hurt

It’s been a week now since I found out. And for the first four days, I was an emotional wreck. Bursting into tears at any given moment. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t tell anyone for the first two days apart from those that read the blog. Telling them made it real. But then I realised that I couldn’t do it on my own. So I told my siblings. My brother first seeing as he was around. God, that was hard. My siblings have always liked you. I wasn’t able to stop the tears. And then my sister, later on that night once she was around. My sister (being the feisty girl she is), did not mince her words. I think sometimes you need tough love to help you come to term with things. She called you all kinds of names. It didn’t ease the hurt any less but I knew I was loved. Not the love that is offered from a companion but unconditional love from my family. And yet it still hurt and the tears kept coming. The worst was trying not to let Amma see me cry. That night, after I told my siblings, my sister went to work and I remember my brother giving me the biggest hug whilst I cried on his shoulder. And still it hurt.

Amma knows now as well, I think she would have like to have seen us end up together but it’s enough with just my humiliation. I don’t want her to say anything to you and be humiliated also. There’s nothing like a hug from your mum when you’re heartbroken to comfort. And still it hurt.

The weekend came and with nothing to do but wallow, I tried to keep the tears at bay. I wanted to call you. I needed to call you. My brother didn’t leave me alone the whole day. It was almost like I was on suicide watch (no offence). The tears flowed every now and then and I was an emotional wreck. I think what I’ll miss is the fact that I will have no one to call when the AP goes into extreme mode. No one else I know that can relate or talk to about it without judgement. But I will find someone. So you called me on Saturday. To gloat? Most probably not. And I answered. I didn’t cry. I tried again to understand your reasoning. I don’t want a wedding invitation of that I am sure. The goodbye was abrupt. Your battery died before I had a chance to make that complete closure but the intention on my part was clear. And with the feeling of a weight starting to lift, it still hurt but a little less.

Both A and B know now as well. B has never liked you. Thought you were never good enough for me. Couldn’t understand what I saw in you.
A on the other hand wanted us to have a fairytale ending. We were his very own Ross and Rachel. He can’t see why you’ve made this decision. To be fair, I’m not sure anyone can apart from yourself. But you have. And he thinks you’ve “flopped”, which are comforting words to hear on my part. Despite their supporting words, it still hurt. But again, a little bit less.

I have been a right saddo and Googled “inspiration quotes to get over heartbreak” (you can laugh at me), but I have read some words that have made me feel better. I’ve read articles on how to get over it. To let go. And I’ve made a list. The one that these articles tell you to make. It’s what Ross did with Rachel and Julie. I can’t say that it fared well for you.
But let’s face it, compared to what some people are going through in the world, what I'm going through pales in comparison. And with that perspective, it’s hurts that little bit less.

The items associated with memories are slowly being discarded. Some in the bin and some will be given back to you. Some I’ll keep because they’ll remind me that I’ve loved wholeheartedly. And it hurts. And it will continue to hurt but in time, it’ll get easier. I truly believe that. I have to believe that. Because if I don’t, I wouldn’t be me. And being me is more important than believing in what could have been.

To all of you – I can’t thank you enough for the comments that you have left me. Seriously. I know I am emotional (overly sometimes), but your words have been an immense help and by reading them (repeatedly!), it comforts me that there are people whom I’ve never met that are so kind. Thank you.

Fear

What hurts is not that you chose her but that you gave me up so easily.

What hurts is that you can’t give me an answer as to why.

What hurts is that I wasn’t good enough.

What hurts is that I’ve lost my best friend.

What hurts is knowing that you never loved me as much as I loved you.

What hurts is knowing that I will get over you but it might take a while.

What hurts is that you didn’t tell me when it all first started.

What hurts is that the lies continued until the very end.

What hurts is that we didn’t get to say goodbye.

What hurts is that my biggest fear of being alone and unloved has never hurt as much as it does now.

One Sided

Wow. Someone else huh?

I guess it was a matter of time. No no, I’m fine.

How long have you known her? Oh wow. Three months.

And you want to marry her? Cool.

Me upset? No I’m doing ok.

So where’s she from? She’s Sri Lankan? Cool.

And where does she live now? Manchester – awesome. At least she won’t have to move far.

What is she like? She sounds nice. What do you like about her? She listens to you? Fair enough.

And what does she do? Pharmacist – cool. No, I’m not upset.

Well, it’s up to you how to deal with your parents. I’m sure they’ll come around to it. Grandchildren solve everything!

Seriously I’m ok. How did you expect me to react? You know how I feel. You can’t expect me to say it over and over again.

What does she have that I don’t? Actually no – scrap that. Pretend I didn’t ask that question. Nothing?





Then why her?

Tags that make you think

There is something to be said about the "tag-fests" that ensue within my lil' blogging world. As much as I love being tagged (the sense of inclusion), it makes me think faaaar more than I want to!

Thank you to Santhoshi and Dili for tagging me - here goes!

Love is:

• A comfortable silence.
• Playing Guitar Hero with siblings.
• Tears with no explanations.
• Your male best friend texting you every other day whilst you are away asking when you're coming back!
• Always being your parents' little girl.
• No morning after regrets on a wild night out with your best friend.
• Holding back the hair and back rubbing as you throw up after a wild night out!
• Late night pillow talks.
• 1 Corinthians: 13

And let the tag fest continue (if you've already been tagged - apologies!):

Kalu, Gehan, Zé Doc and Rine.

The Journey of Comfort

It's been a while since I posted (a whole six days I know!).

I started my new job yesterday - I have a good feeling about it. Like it's going to go well but you know, it's probably just that new starter enthusiasm. It'll wear off by the end of the week I'm sure!

Like I mentioned before - I'm over my crush. OK - so it took a while but I couldn't be happier with where things stand between me and him. He is (bar any male siblings and the ex) my male best friend (MBF).

I can't explain what happened or at which precise moment it happened - getting over him that is. Recently - in the last six months or so, we have become proper close and I know that, that would probably propel some people into developing stronger and more intense feelings for someone. Sure, I went through that. But the more I saw of him, the more I realised that emotionally he's not the one for me. Don't get me wrong. I love him. He's been an absolute legend in my times of need but he's not strong enough to be in a relationship with me (or I'm led to believe). Plus, he's told me too many of his secrets!

So this is how it is now. We share pretty much everything (although some things like how much sex we're having and when we're having it are sacred! - Apparently not so sacred - just had a phone call...). We pretty much have some form of communication every day whether it's a text: him telling me that I'm rubbish or me telling him I love him (he doesn't deal well with my emotions!).

I think what sealed the friendship was what happened the other day. One of my parent's is an alcoholic as I've already mentioned. Last week, things were bad at home. S is usually the person I call in my time of need but even he had managed to annoy me so much more than the parent. I had no one to talk to. I mentioned this fact to the ex crush and he was like "what do you mean?!" and I explained it. It's not easy to talk to people about this. It makes you vulnerable. To which he replied "You can always talk to me. If you ever need me, call. And I have a car. You need time out - let me know."
And it was said in such an affectionate way that my heart couldn't help but melt and I welled up at the thought that he will always be there for me.

I don't know when it became like this. This level of comfort. But I'm so glad it did. You never know where your journey will take you I guess.

To A - my MBF - you know I love you inna?

Long Weekends - Time to Think

I love it when we get a public holiday. Unfortunately, we're not as lucky as some to have Poya days every month!

Reading 69's post made me reminisce about sex (and how long it has been since I've had any!).

I was 19 when I first had sex. I'd met this guy (S) through a friend and we got to know each other over 6 months before I came to the conclusion that maybe I could trust him and that he wouldn't break my heart. I was young and naïve and clearly overwhelmed that somebody could be interested in me!

It's difficult to determine at which point a couple go from "getting to knowing each other" to actually "becoming a couple". I mean, when I was younger (more so than I already am!), it was simple. A simple "will you go out with me?" would suffice and you'd either become one half of the newest couple in your circle of friends or you'd have a bruised ego for a while.

So, I don't know at which point we exactly became a couple but we did. I'd heard all the stories and read all the teenage girly magazines that said you shouldn't be pressured into having sex, that you should wait until you're really ready and all that other "advice".

I remember it so well. Maybe because it was my first relationship. My first real boyfriend. Someone who wanted to be with me because of who I am - not what I could give them or how quickly they could get into my pants! The honeymoon period - where whatever you say doesn't fall on deaf ears, where kissing is still not underrated, where holding hands is appreciated because any kind of body contact still manages to send your libido into overdrive(!) and where those late night phone calls can last until the early hours of the morning. Even when you sleep for only 3 hours and they're still the first person you call!

We'd been together officially for about a month before I decided that I wanted to sleep with him. I think that I already knew I wanted to, but the logistics of it all (when, where and ultimately how?!) were what had me a lil' worried.
A few weeks later, it was his birthday and so we decided to spend the night together. He never pressured me into anything which is why I think I felt all the more comfortable. I'm not going to sit here and type all the details of it. There isn't any need for it. But I remember it so well. And I remember how he made me a cup of tea when we woke up and how he looked after me. How he made me feel - wanted, desired, loved, safe and so much more!

We were together for 2 years officially and about 3 years on and off after that and unofficially. We stopped talking about two months ago and it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be - especially when I have time to think about things like the above!

Doing So Well

I was doing so well. Moving on with stuff. Even getting my life into gear perhaps.

I accepted what I'd known for months - I hate my job. And rather than suffer (and believe me, it's a slow and painful suffering!), I became very pro active and started looking and applying for new jobs. I had an interview and several rejections. Which I didn't take too badly. Why? Because I decided that if I hadn't found a new job by December (which is only 3 months away), that I would go travelling for 3 months or so. Where? Central/South America. I think my desire to travel and do my own thing is becoming quite overwhelming so I need to get it out of my system. Especially since the 'rents are telling to me go and get married. Sometimes, I wish it would be easier if they just found me someone!

It's easier said than done as well. I mean - I'm not high maintenance and in a city where the population is about 8 million, how can I not find a tall, handsome man?! I was doing so well as well - I haven't spoken to S for about 6 weeks (big deal for us!) and I thought I was getting over my crush but after Saturday night, it seems as though all I did was try and bury my feelings. It's not like he's a great catch but he's fun. The best thing about a night out is getting food afterwards. And that's what we did - and we chatted for about 3 hours. I've missed him. We hadn't spoken like this for a while and it made me see why I did/do (I'm just as confused as you are!) have feelings for him.
I thought all was lost. I mean, I'd been doing so well. But I saw him yesterday as well and I realised why I am trying to get him out of my system - because he's an asshole! And asshole behaviour is not attractive - despite men thinking that most women fall for the asshole bad boy types!

Don't get me wrong - I appreciate what I've got - an amazing family, some of the bestest friends, a job (even if it is shit!) that pays and more. But sometimes I want the companionship that's offered from a relationship. Is that too much to ask?

Here's the thing...

I like you. A lot.

I know we're friends and you don't see me in that way.

I know I'm not your type.

I know that my friends think that I can do better. But they don't know you like I do.

They don't see the guy who doesn't want to become emotionally vulnerable by showing too much of himself.

They don't see the guy who makes me laugh. Who makes me forget about my worries.

They don't see the guy who has ambitions. You don't show that side of yourself to them.

I also know that you do my head in.

I know that you trust me with things that I'm not allowed to tell another soul.

I know you've said I'm the Yin to your Yang. That I'm your better half.

I know you don't know that it crushes me when you tell me this. That you don't know how I'm feeling inside.

I know that you'll meet the girl who's meant to be but is not me.

But I had to tell you. If only to extinguish the "what if?" hope that lies within. :(

And Still Counting...

Yes I'm still counting. It's been 6 weeks nearly since S and I have stopped talking. We were together officially for 2 years and then we did the whole unofficial thing on and off for about 4 years. Don't ask me why I didn't stop it as soon as we officially ended it. It would have saved me a whole lot of hassle and heart ache.

The last lie was also the last straw so I haven't called, text or emailed him. In fact, I think I'm finally getting the closure that I needed.

The only thing is now I'm starting to miss him. He was, for a very long time, my best friend.The first person I would confide in, share with and laugh with. The first phone call in my time of need regardless of the hour, the one with whom I shared all my hopes, dreams and ambitions. I miss having someone to share that with. My imminent birthday will be the first of 8 years that I haven't had him in my life for so that whole nostalgic feeling is making me feel like shit.

I don't hate him. In fact, I feel sorry for him more so than anything else. The fact that he felt the need to lie to me (again) saddens me. And over such a trivial thing too. Especially after I'd made it clear that the best thing for both of us was to move on. It saddens me because it seems as though he wasn't mature enough to deal with it.

What has amazed me the most though, is how nonchalant I feel about it. And I'm impressed with myself because if any had told me I'd be like this at the beginning of the year - I would have disagreed completely; determined with the though that S and I were meant to be!

Time is definitely a healer!

Impending Doom!

Tomorrow is St Valentine's day. Totally over hyped and commercial and yet I know I'll still succumb and end up buying a card, sending some over priced roses and generally feeling like shit when I don't receive nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

It's not usually that bad - the last couple of years I've had someone send me a card at least. This year. I'm totally single and I have the biggest crush known and I'm pretty sure I'm passed the age of crushes. Should I tell him is what's been pretty much running through my mind since the weekend. Should I? If so, should I send him a card/flowers/signed/unsigned. I should probably tell him just to get it out of my system but then I'm stuck in that good ol' moral dilemma of whether we'd lose our friendship! What to do? (Rhetorical!)

We've known each other for about 10 months now maybe and we've even been on holiday together (amongst a group of friends!) and we have fun. I don't think physically I'm his type which is fair enough but I'm not a minger! I mean, I can get by so why all this fussing and completely belittling and making fun of me everytime he sees me? Playground tactics? Is the only reason he hasn't pulled my pigtails yet and run off blushing to hide behind the nearest shed due to the fact that I don't wear pigtails?! Maybe I should and see what he does. I think he already knows as well. I don't think I've been too subtle about it!

Oh well, I'll just have to live with it and rack up my phone bill by texting people replies to all their "Happy Valentine's Day" crappy texts!