Missed Opportunities!

A and I went out last night. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other and I guess we had stuff to talk about. I really enjoy his company because it’s just so comfortable.

A certain blogger text me (yes, I have exchanged numbers with a fellow blogger!) saying to have a nice time with A which made me smile. The familiarity that A has on my blog is lovely.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before but A is my cinema buddy. Basically, we have these unlimited cards that we pay a small amount for each month and then we can see as many films as we want. They’re only valid at a certain chain but that’s OK because we have one within equidistance of where we both live. Over the last 10 months – we’ve seen a lot of films.

We met about an hour earlier and bless him, he bought me a milkshake (this is a big deal because he is poorer than I am!).

I love the fact that we don’t have to make the effort with each other. That we can turn up in our scraggiest clothes and not judge. Yesterday he looked like such a tramp; it actually beggared belief!

A was telling me about what’s been going in his life – love, money, family – the normal stuff. Obviously I was listening but at some point a HOT guy walked past.
I think that sometimes people walk past A and I and assume we are a couple. Though we don’t look like one. We’re hardly suited. You know, we do slouch against each other now and again but if you listen to our conversations, they mainly consist of him telling me “Your face is dust!” and me retaliating “You’re balding!” (you gotta love it!). Hardly whispering sweet nothings to each other!

Anyways, the hot guy walked past and he looked at me, looked at A and then looked back at me. So I did what any single girl would do – I smiled and he smiled back. And as he walked passed and carried on walking (away sadly), he looked back, shrugged his shoulders and smiled some more. A was completely oblivious to this. Would he have approached me if A wasn’t there? We’ll never know (I’m only saying that he was potentially slightly interested because guys never usually smile at me!).

We decided to watch Burn After Reading – A Coen Brothers film. The last Coen Brothers film we saw was No Country for Old Men – the ending of which left us well and truly stumped. I mean, we left the cinema thinking “WTF just happened?!”. You think we’d have learned but clearly no. Again, the film ended and again we sat there for about 5 minutes after the credits had finished rolling looking at the screen in utter disbelief. I get that it’s satire. Seriously, I do. Both great films but the ending left me slightly confused. Seriously!

Before we parted company, we hung around the foyer just talking (A, if and when you read this – you said when we both get married to our respective partners, we’re going to do a road trip across America – you love me!) and laughing and then he did something unexpected – he gave me a hug. This doesn’t happen very often unless it’s after a night out which is probably coz he’s drunk.

Again – you didn’t dun mess up last MBF!

Totally random post with nothing at all interesting but I wanted to document it!

Oh My Good Lord!

It is unbelievably cold! I mean come on, we haven’t even ended October yet and yesterday we had sleet which turned to snow. What is up with this global warming malarkey?!

Don’t get me wrong though. Winter is one of my favourite seasons. I love those cool crisp mornings where there is that distinct chill in the air and yet the blue sky is clear for miles on end without a cloud in the sky. You don’t seem to be able to feel the Sun’s heat despite it shining blazingly in the horizon. And the air you exhale is made up of cloudy puffs.

I’m not what you call an early bird but I don’t mind getting up in the mornings – it’s just the initial leaving my warm, cosy bed that always puts me off. But there’s something (to me that is) comforting about getting up when it’s dark.
Wrapping up warm – making sure you have your gloves, scarf and anything else that is likely to keep the bitter wind avoiding contact with your skin.

There’s something about it that reminds me of Dickenson’s era. The glow from the street lights and people huddled against the cold – it comforts me.

That’s enough random rambling though.

With regards to the last post – It’s still not sorted but higher powers have got involved and advised me not to. So I’m not going to. At the end of the day, I’ve tried to do my best by everybody but there’s only so much I can do.
But A has been an absolute star – bless him. I didn’t tell him anything about it. I only told him that I needed some space and time to sort it out. I try not to get friends involved in family shit (serious issues I know!). But I tend to deal with those kind of things on my own or with my siblings.
Despite me telling him this – he text every day to ask me to meet up, and checking I was OK. And to me, that was much appreciated. I think it’s because he flops so much and I help him fix it – he wanted to pay his dues!

And B and I – well, that’s not sorted but we’re meeting Friday I think to try and sort things out… We’ll see how it goes I guess!

My FB Status

Says "It's not that I don't trust you, I just can't depend on you."

B called me the other night not long after I published the last post. And she basically said that I had told A her business. Obviously I didn't. You'd think that after however many years of friendship, she wouldn't have to question that but she did.

If only she knew that A doesn't give a shit which is why she never comes up in our conversations (they had a falling out about 6 weeks ago!).

But question it she did. Emotional as I am, I basically told her that I hate having to prove myself to her constantly. Over and over again that I am going to tell her shit to other people. Why would I do that?! Does she think that once she's told me, I go out thinking "So let me go and tell everyone coz I've nothing else to do!"?! It's bollocks really.

She also said that she feels as though I put A before her. Not true if you ask me because of the countless occasions that I have been there when I could have been with A. The fucking paranoia and jealousy is beyond my amusement now. Seriously. Get over it. If you don't get along with him, fair enough. I haven't asked you two to be friends.

The thing is, I know how pathetic this all sounds. Right now, I just want my own time and space.

Last night, I went through some pretty rubbish shit. Nothing to do with this. Family and business issues in which threats were made, property was damaged and police were called.
You know when you can't talk to adults to make them see sense - to show them that even though you may not want to do it - there is only one feasible option and it's the best.

The threat making people are serious. Do you know how much I begged and cried my heart out last night to make sure that they didn't hurt you? To buy that little bit of extra time and say that I will find the money. I will give it to them so that your pride doesn't get your property further damaged, your children hurt or whatever else there could be.

I'm a mess at the moment and the people that I should have been able to turn to aren't there. As you do get older (and yes I'm old!), you see things a lot clearer. You can't trust or depend upon anyone other than yourself.

I'm not bitter - just honest.

I Just Don't Get It!

I will never understand women. Don’t get me wrong – I am one. But I seriously will never get it. Why do we insist on being so random?!

I just need to vent and put this out there (here).

I’ve been a lil’ busy lately. My new job (even though it’s only been a week) is taking it’s toll. I sometimes don’t get home until well past 7 ish!

Despite this, I’ve done my best to keep in contact with my friends. This has worked more so with B and A because I’ve called them and they’ve called me.

B has been going through a tough time and I am doing my utmost to be there for her. Sometimes she has phases where she goes MIA and now is one of those times. I know the situation well enough now to leave her to it and know she’ll call me when she’s ready.

However, she’s been MIA for a few days so I called, text and FBed her (a lil' stalkerish maybe but I just wanted to make sure she's OK).

I told her she can talk to me as well. I've noticed long wall to walls with her and RL and yes, I felt slightly disgruntled (God, I'm pathetic!) but following this - surely you can see why?

Imagine my surprise when she text me back saying she feels as though our friendship feels "weird". WEIRD?! WTF?! I thought things had been fine between us! I hate people who do this. If you have a problem with me, then tell me. What do you think is the worst that is going to happen?! I'm not going to take out a contract against you!

It just pisses me off that women are so fucking emotional!

The Journey of Comfort

It's been a while since I posted (a whole six days I know!).

I started my new job yesterday - I have a good feeling about it. Like it's going to go well but you know, it's probably just that new starter enthusiasm. It'll wear off by the end of the week I'm sure!

Like I mentioned before - I'm over my crush. OK - so it took a while but I couldn't be happier with where things stand between me and him. He is (bar any male siblings and the ex) my male best friend (MBF).

I can't explain what happened or at which precise moment it happened - getting over him that is. Recently - in the last six months or so, we have become proper close and I know that, that would probably propel some people into developing stronger and more intense feelings for someone. Sure, I went through that. But the more I saw of him, the more I realised that emotionally he's not the one for me. Don't get me wrong. I love him. He's been an absolute legend in my times of need but he's not strong enough to be in a relationship with me (or I'm led to believe). Plus, he's told me too many of his secrets!

So this is how it is now. We share pretty much everything (although some things like how much sex we're having and when we're having it are sacred! - Apparently not so sacred - just had a phone call...). We pretty much have some form of communication every day whether it's a text: him telling me that I'm rubbish or me telling him I love him (he doesn't deal well with my emotions!).

I think what sealed the friendship was what happened the other day. One of my parent's is an alcoholic as I've already mentioned. Last week, things were bad at home. S is usually the person I call in my time of need but even he had managed to annoy me so much more than the parent. I had no one to talk to. I mentioned this fact to the ex crush and he was like "what do you mean?!" and I explained it. It's not easy to talk to people about this. It makes you vulnerable. To which he replied "You can always talk to me. If you ever need me, call. And I have a car. You need time out - let me know."
And it was said in such an affectionate way that my heart couldn't help but melt and I welled up at the thought that he will always be there for me.

I don't know when it became like this. This level of comfort. But I'm so glad it did. You never know where your journey will take you I guess.

To A - my MBF - you know I love you inna?

HOW MUCH?!!

Seriously?!

So it's been a while since I posted (something worthwhile that is!). The last week has been hectic - a night on the tiles over the weekend followed by a funeral are a few of the things that I've had to do. However, this isn't a depressing post so don't worry Gehan!

Today B and I had one of those "free" studio makeover things (FSMT). Firstly, I use the term "free" loosely but secondly if you don't know what a FSMT is; it's when a studio offers to do your hair and make up professionally and then you get professional photos taken by a professional photographer (overuse of the word professional - sorry!).

So off we went - to Covent Garden with a change of 6 outfits between us. On a side note - I love cool crisp Autumn mornings when there isn't a cloud in the sky.... but another post altogether.

Arriving at the studio, we were greeted by their representative who made us feel very welcome, asked us to fill in a few forms about what kinda make up and hair looks we might like to see.
I filled it out mentioning that I would like loose curls. For the record, I have tight corkscrew curls naturally but most often than not wear it straight because it's so much easier to maintain.

Sitting in the chair, the hairdresser curled my hair with straighteners - how crazy is that?! And then it was time for the make up artist to work her magic - believe me, only a miracle would help her! However, she did an awesome job and I didn't look too badly even if I do say so myself! B looked equally as amazing with hot smoky eyes and beautiful backcombed hair!

Time for photos meant lots of outfit changes (well, 3) and a lot of awkward poses. I've been told that my smile is one of my best features so I couldn't help but smile even when he (the photographer) told me not to and to try and look sultry and moody!

After that, it was time to view our photos; a "private viewing" - a chance to see a slide show of all the photos that had been taken. All 65 of them. We did look good. Modest as I am, they did a fab job! Then came the prices.

Lady from FSMT: So if you want all 65 photos onto a disc, that'll cost *punches numbers into calculator*.... £6150.00

B & I: *falling off our chairs* WTF? HOW MUCH?! Lady, is YOU crazy?! We don't look that good.

LfFSMT: OK - well I can bring it down to £2000

B&I: Yeah, that's still not really within our price range!

LfFSMT: *look of "Oh my Lord - am I going to get a sale out of these two?!"* Offers a various number of other "packages"

B and I were resilient to the end (B works in sales - thank God she was there!). In the end, we got 2 prints. Yes, that's right 2 out of 65! We're so poor!

But it was a wonderful experience and because B has been having a rough time lately - it was all mainly for her. And this post is for her - even though she'll never read it! Love ya girly!

P.S. If this blog wasn't anonymous - I'd have posted a pic! :)

The Way It Is

So many draft posts and not in the mood to publish.