Why?

Why did you have to call me?

Why did I have to answer?

Why is it like this?

Smell

My hand cream has a distinctive smell. What’s worse is that it’s the hand cream I used for the very first time when we went on holiday together. So it reminds me of you.

But the more I use, the more that memory starts to fade. And I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.

Letting go of you, us and what could have been is hard.

Hurt

It’s been a week now since I found out. And for the first four days, I was an emotional wreck. Bursting into tears at any given moment. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t tell anyone for the first two days apart from those that read the blog. Telling them made it real. But then I realised that I couldn’t do it on my own. So I told my siblings. My brother first seeing as he was around. God, that was hard. My siblings have always liked you. I wasn’t able to stop the tears. And then my sister, later on that night once she was around. My sister (being the feisty girl she is), did not mince her words. I think sometimes you need tough love to help you come to term with things. She called you all kinds of names. It didn’t ease the hurt any less but I knew I was loved. Not the love that is offered from a companion but unconditional love from my family. And yet it still hurt and the tears kept coming. The worst was trying not to let Amma see me cry. That night, after I told my siblings, my sister went to work and I remember my brother giving me the biggest hug whilst I cried on his shoulder. And still it hurt.

Amma knows now as well, I think she would have like to have seen us end up together but it’s enough with just my humiliation. I don’t want her to say anything to you and be humiliated also. There’s nothing like a hug from your mum when you’re heartbroken to comfort. And still it hurt.

The weekend came and with nothing to do but wallow, I tried to keep the tears at bay. I wanted to call you. I needed to call you. My brother didn’t leave me alone the whole day. It was almost like I was on suicide watch (no offence). The tears flowed every now and then and I was an emotional wreck. I think what I’ll miss is the fact that I will have no one to call when the AP goes into extreme mode. No one else I know that can relate or talk to about it without judgement. But I will find someone. So you called me on Saturday. To gloat? Most probably not. And I answered. I didn’t cry. I tried again to understand your reasoning. I don’t want a wedding invitation of that I am sure. The goodbye was abrupt. Your battery died before I had a chance to make that complete closure but the intention on my part was clear. And with the feeling of a weight starting to lift, it still hurt but a little less.

Both A and B know now as well. B has never liked you. Thought you were never good enough for me. Couldn’t understand what I saw in you.
A on the other hand wanted us to have a fairytale ending. We were his very own Ross and Rachel. He can’t see why you’ve made this decision. To be fair, I’m not sure anyone can apart from yourself. But you have. And he thinks you’ve “flopped”, which are comforting words to hear on my part. Despite their supporting words, it still hurt. But again, a little bit less.

I have been a right saddo and Googled “inspiration quotes to get over heartbreak” (you can laugh at me), but I have read some words that have made me feel better. I’ve read articles on how to get over it. To let go. And I’ve made a list. The one that these articles tell you to make. It’s what Ross did with Rachel and Julie. I can’t say that it fared well for you.
But let’s face it, compared to what some people are going through in the world, what I'm going through pales in comparison. And with that perspective, it’s hurts that little bit less.

The items associated with memories are slowly being discarded. Some in the bin and some will be given back to you. Some I’ll keep because they’ll remind me that I’ve loved wholeheartedly. And it hurts. And it will continue to hurt but in time, it’ll get easier. I truly believe that. I have to believe that. Because if I don’t, I wouldn’t be me. And being me is more important than believing in what could have been.

To all of you – I can’t thank you enough for the comments that you have left me. Seriously. I know I am emotional (overly sometimes), but your words have been an immense help and by reading them (repeatedly!), it comforts me that there are people whom I’ve never met that are so kind. Thank you.

Fear

What hurts is not that you chose her but that you gave me up so easily.

What hurts is that you can’t give me an answer as to why.

What hurts is that I wasn’t good enough.

What hurts is that I’ve lost my best friend.

What hurts is knowing that you never loved me as much as I loved you.

What hurts is knowing that I will get over you but it might take a while.

What hurts is that you didn’t tell me when it all first started.

What hurts is that the lies continued until the very end.

What hurts is that we didn’t get to say goodbye.

What hurts is that my biggest fear of being alone and unloved has never hurt as much as it does now.

Words Won't Do.

Never underestimate the power of kindness of strangers.

Over

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

When I met you I knew you would be the one for me
'Cause lookin' at you had me feelin' kinda crazy
And what you asked I almost did it automatically
But it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me
Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect babe
You fooled around but see back then it didn't phase me
I thought by stayin' tryin' to change you would be worth it babe
But now I see that tryin' to change you only changed me

All these tears and all of your lies
All these years and now we're sayin' goodbye
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

Now I'm thinkin' that I never should have dealt with you
All this screamin' and this yellin' that we go through
Rainin' late at night I'm sittin' waitin' up for you
Just to tell you how I hate you who've turned in to
So ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you
I'll never play another day of bein' your fool
I wasted all my time on somethin' that just wasn't true
I should have known that I could never ever change you

All these tears and all of your lies
All these years and now we're sayin' goodbye
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
Whenever you see me, don't even speak
I'll never forget what you did to me
Whenever you see me, don't even speak
I'll never forget what you did to me

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin'

Over - Ashanti

Except I didn't leave did I? I stayed. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. And yet it hurts more than I can bear. I have no one to cry to because the person I could cry to doesn't want me.

One Sided

Wow. Someone else huh?

I guess it was a matter of time. No no, I’m fine.

How long have you known her? Oh wow. Three months.

And you want to marry her? Cool.

Me upset? No I’m doing ok.

So where’s she from? She’s Sri Lankan? Cool.

And where does she live now? Manchester – awesome. At least she won’t have to move far.

What is she like? She sounds nice. What do you like about her? She listens to you? Fair enough.

And what does she do? Pharmacist – cool. No, I’m not upset.

Well, it’s up to you how to deal with your parents. I’m sure they’ll come around to it. Grandchildren solve everything!

Seriously I’m ok. How did you expect me to react? You know how I feel. You can’t expect me to say it over and over again.

What does she have that I don’t? Actually no – scrap that. Pretend I didn’t ask that question. Nothing?





Then why her?

Not A Politician

But a humanitarian.

It's about time they did something useful:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-south-asia-10925400

Ass Kissing

There's so much of it around.

Published Without a Title!

I want to go and see Ellie Goulding live.

I want NEED a holiday. I'm dead set on Thailand but now that everyone is married - I need someone to go with!

:(

A Little Blip

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” - Audrey Hepburn


If only everyone looked at the world this way. Maybe then I'd be beautiful.....