A Heart On A Sleeve

Done

2011-12-01T08:47:00.006Z

OK. I've done it. Created a WordPress blog. I really don't want to leave blogger but I feel as though my siblings might have stumbled across this one and well, I want to be able to write freely without them knowing everything there is to know. So password protecting those posts which divulge just a little too much is better than privating the whole blog.

I've moved. To here. Please could you update your blog rolls and rss feeds and other stuff that I don't really get!

It is a work in progress but I really need to publish a certain post!

Blogger - for allowing to me to say what I wanted when I needed to - thank you.

ETA: Email me (with your blogging pseudonym because chances are I won't know you by your real names - scrumpulicious@hotmail.co.uk) for the password or leave a comment with your email address.

Moving

2011-11-28T11:38:00.000Z

To Wordpress. So I can password protect my posts! But in the interim, I might just go private for a little while.

Tell Me Off

2011-11-23T15:22:00.001Z

Can somebody please tell my hormones to control themselves?!

It's only a matter of time before I throw myself at somebody!

A Little Hope Yet

2011-11-22T13:28:00.003Z

It's confirmed. I am not hideous. Something which I questioned irrefutably this weekend (refer to this!) and the last few weekends actually.

A HOT guy asked me for my number on Sunday. It's been so long since I've actually been asked for my number, I forgot what it feels like. That feeling of "wow, you think I'm attractive?" followed by "awww, you think I'm attractive!".

A very nice boost to the ego which was in desperate need of boosting.

I know you're all going to ask whether I gave it to him or not. I haven't yet. Because. I have issues.

And The Gig Whore Lives On

2011-11-18T10:23:00.001Z

Rihanna - O2 Arena 21 December 2011
Coldplay - Emirates Stadium 01 June 2012

Because old habits die hard!

Introductions Continued..

2011-11-15T08:55:00.002Z

From here.

So coffee. I was waiting patiently – AJ was running late. As a Tamil, we are renowned for our tardiness and I refuse to fall into this category which means I get to places ridiculously early. About 15 minutes go by when I feel someone hovering over my shoulder – AJ! He kind of just nods his head at me and then walks to meet me (he wasn’t actually in the coffee shop you see). He comes in and says hello and sits down at the table. Immediately, I am aware of the height difference. *crap* is what I am thinking to myself.
He asks me what I want to drink and goes over to join the queue. At which time, I see a “friend” (I use the term loosely – we are acquaintances more so than friends) of mine and his wife in the queue. They don’t see me and I pretend to be busy on my phone. I mean, I really don’t want them to see me. And so I’m busy busy busy on my phone at which point my “friend” comes over to say hi. And proceeds to chat to me (which is very sweet and endearing of him – because he is genuinely a nice guy!), asks me what I’m doing there. I could hardly tell him I’m on a blind date so I feebly mumble that I’m meeting a friend. AJ is still in the queue and I can feel him watching this whole scene. Thankfully my “friend” and his wife leave before AJ gets back to the table with our drinks.

As AJ sits down, I check out his attire – especially his shoes. For me, I think shoes maketh an outfit and you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes that he wears. Luckily for him, his shoes passed the test. As we sit, conversation flows. The height difference drifts to the back of my mind and I’m not as conscious of it as I was when I saw him. We talk about our families, my “friend”, and just general chit chat. It’s light hearted, fun and easy – just the kind of conversations I like.

Unfortunately, I was working so the meeting was fleet. He offered to walk me back to my car (which I thought was very sweet) and to which I agreed. But it didn’t work out in his favour – I think he came up to my chin btu I could be over exaggerating this.

Getting in my car, I over analysed the situation. Nice guy. But short. Nice personality. But short. Could it work? Perhaps. But he’s short! I didn’t think anything more of the situation as work consumed me.

After work, he called me and we spoke briefly – inane chit chat. Apparently a sign that he was keen (considering he called me the same day!).

He also called Monday – our ritual in this brief space of time being that he calls me as I drive home. And I find out that he has told his mum about me. *shock* Erm.. I do start to stutter a little as I feel as though he’s trying to pin me down into a corner. I think his exact phrase was “if you’re ok with it, I’m ok with it” – With what exactly?

I was under the impression I would be allowed to get to know you – not that you would expect me to marry you just because we get on. I didn’t tell him this though. No. Because I’m a coward. Especially when it comes to ~~breaking people’s hearts~~ saying no to people.
The issue is avoided and we part amicably. He calls on Tuesday as I drive home from work, and asks me what I’m feeling. This time, I tell him that he’s a nice guy, but I still don’t know him well enough to commit to anything. To which he replies “are you just stringing me along?”. By this point, alarm bells are ringing at the back of my head. “He’s not giving you any time!!” the voice screams at me.

So I say no, I just don’t know you well enough. And he asks me how long until you do? I can’t give you a time span. What will be will be.

And we are now at Wednesday. I want to point out that we have not even known each other for a week. As I’m driving home, I’m on the phone to B. Just talking. He calls and I see the call waiting but I’ll call him back. So he calls again. And I ignore it. And so 20 minutes later he calls again. By this point he has called me 3 times in the space of 30 minutes. I go home, ignore the calls and spend time with my siblings. In the space of 2 hours, he called me 6 times. SIX TIMES! When I call him back, the conversation goes like this (all on his part)

“How come you didn’t answer?”, “Where were you?”, “Why didn’t you call me?”, “Where have you been?”. My mind is screaming “WTF?!”. But I fob him off with an excuse that I was tired and busy. It’s been a long time since I have had to answer to anybody. But after one week? Are you crazy?! Complete and utter turn off. But I still don’t write him off completely. I sought the advice of friends and spent a long time talking about it with Amma. I decide to give him another shot. Because I have to at least try.

Unfortunately for him, his obsessive behaviour did not go down well with my parents. If he’s like this now, what would he have been like after marriage. And Appa wasn’t entirely happy with his profession – the uncertainty of regular income.
And so the proposal was rejected. And I’m back where I started.

But say I don’t find anyone else? That’s what’s scary.

Welcomed Addition

2011-11-11T15:27:00.002Z

B gave birth to a baby boy today at 12:16. 8lbs 8oz.

Healthy and beautiful.

Mr & Mrs B will make amazing parents - of that I have no doubt.

When Road Rage Doesn't Pay

2011-11-09T16:13:00.002Z

This morning as I was close to work, a car blitzed by on my right and tried to cut everybody up. And you all know how I feel about this. But because nobody else gave him, I was kind and i did. And he had the audacity to not acknowledge me or say thank you after I gave him way. This obviously pissed me off because:

a) He was in the wrong. Everyone else was waiting and he decided to be a wanker and cut everybody up.
b) I had the common courtesy to give you way, the least you can do is say thanks.

So I flashed my lights at him to which he acknowledged me and put his hand up as a symbol of thanks. I nodded as he looked at me in his rear view mirror.

Nothing more was thought of it, until I saw his car behind me as I took the exit onto our business park. Again, not that big a deal as there a load of companies on the business park. And then I saw him indicate the same time I did to turn into the same building as I do.

Oh shit – he works with me.

And the moral of this story? Try not to get road rage (or any kind of rage) close to your workplace!

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

2011-11-09T09:39:00.003Z

SARAH!!!!!

Can I have permission to read your blog please?!

Sorry for the overdramatics (is that even a word?!) but I had no other way to contact you! :)

*blush*

Science Geek

2011-11-07T16:25:00.003Z

Science geek and proud (Marie Curies 144th Birthday today!

I love it when Google does doodles relating to Science and geeky things! :)

Introductions

2011-11-03T08:56:00.001Z

Being of South Asian origin can be hard. Despite growing up in a western country and being influenced by western cultures, there’s still a lot that doesn’t transfer across to South Asian culture.

When you asked people of my generation when we were kids what we wanted to be when we grew up, it was always the typical response; “doctor”, “engineer”, “dentist”, “lawyer” – the jobs that people – parents/family wanted you to be. And for most people, I can understand why this was. My parents worked hard in a foreign country to give their kids the best education they could and for them to have (perhaps unfairly deemed by Asian society) the best vocation.

And so the circle of life flows, you go to school, university, graduate, get a job, become financially stable and then inevitably thoughts toward your own family – a husband, children, grandchildren(!).

Sure, people have relationships, but it’s still very uncommon for people to live together before marriage. Not taboo – but definitely not the way things are done. And maybe in generations to come this will change – but not in mine.

I have seen a few of my closest friends get married over the last couple of years and so has my mother. And I think this is why she insists on seeing me married sometime soon.

A family friend introduced me to this guy. Before he told me about him, he said that he was one inch shorter than me. Height has always been a thing for. But I have also said, that if I find somebody who has every other desirable quality I’m looking but is that little bit shorter than me then I will not let it get in the way. And with that I agreed to talk to this guy (let’s call him AJ). AJ and I spoke last week for the first time. And we agreed to meet up on the Sunday (just gone). A very fleeting coffee meeting because he was late and I had to rush off to work......

(I actually have to get back to work so I'll carry on a little bit... )

The Lesser of Two Evils

2011-10-31T10:10:00.002Z

Marrying someone you're not in love with to escape an alcoholic parent?

or

Living with an alcoholic parent and wait to marry someone you love?

Isn't It Funny

2011-10-25T11:03:00.002+01:00

How life has a way of reminding you of things you want to forget?

Facebook news feeds. With the profile of your wife.

I must have really pissed off Karma.

Steven Paul Jobs - Creative Genuis

2011-10-06T11:16:00.004+01:00

I am saddened by the death of Steve Jobs.

I remember my first brush with Apple. 11 years old and my school library’s computer was a mac. I was soooo confused by this technology. It wasn’t anything I was used to. And I remember not using the computer again.
As I got older, I didn’t hear much about macs and Apple and Microsoft continued with their domination of the my IT world.
It wasn’t until I got older and bought my first iPod that Apple entered my life again. Music has always been important to me and the fact that I had this device (with what would go on to become trademark white earphones) that allowed me to arrange my music, buy music so readily – well what more could I ask for?

And then the I purchased the iPhone and I haven’t looked back since. Our house is an Apple house. Maybe I bought into the consumerism of it all but I'm not ashamed.

Steve Jobs created a company but more importantly created a brand. Smart phones, computers and technology in general – all considered “cool” because of one brand. Gone are the days when geeks and technology went hand in hand.

In his own words
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."

A cruel and tragic loss to the world. A true visionary who I truly believe wanted the best for his consumers.

The Apple website could not have put it any better.

RIP Steve Jobs - February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011.

Confession

2011-09-26T20:10:00.000+01:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! With far too many pictures and a few blog posts to write.

Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. But I went to see B yesterday and stayed the night and this morning she convinced me to call in sick. Which I did. I've never done that! I feel so guilty. The worse part though is lying to my family about how my day at work was! I even changed into my work outfit before I left B's so that they wouldn't suspect anything!

I'm going to hell!

However, she did ask me to be her baby's Godmother so I can't be ~~all~~ that bad.

I'll Be Back

2011-09-01T13:00:00.002+01:00

This time tomorrow I will be on a flight to Kuala Lumpur for 4 nights followed by 16 nights in and around Sydney.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Eye Candy

2011-08-29T15:22:00.003+01:00

There is a guy who comes into the shop where I work (part time) who is so hot is hurts. Seriously, it physically hurts me. Every time I see him, I ~~kinda~~ turn into jelly. And we've started flirting. Which I know won't end well! But he's soooo HOT. He looks like Pharell Willams. But hotter.

God Damn!

Geographical Nonsense!

2011-08-22T08:54:00.003+01:00

The above video came on the TV the other day as my siblings and I were watching one of those famous music channels. We do like The Wanted - especially since there is one guy who's half Tamil (helps that he's easy on the eye as well!).

Brother: "Best thing to come out of Ireland since Westlife".

Me: "Are they all Irish then?"

Brother: "YES!"

Me: *quick Google search on my phone (because I Google everything!)*
"Erm.. they're not all Irish".

And then I read him this.

Clearly we're very ignorant! :)

But it did make me smile. Especially at how sure sounding he was!

Emotions

2011-08-09T15:24:00.002+01:00

Shame. Disbelief. Anger. Tearful. Disgust. Pride. Just a few of the emotions that I am feeling today.

No doubt you will have seen or heard about the riots taking place in London.
I was supposed to work last night in north west London but they called me to cancel my shift because they were closing down stores as a precaution.

I spent the next three hours glued to my TV and reading Facebook status updates and twitter.

There are two main implications as to why these riots have started:
i) Off of the back of the police shooting of Mark Duggan
ii) The cuts imposed by the government leading to a lack of facilities for these youths.

Shame – I am ashamed to think that those rioting are fellow Londoners. I am a Londoner – born and bred. I am very proud of my city. I am very proud of the fact that so many different cultures can live together so closely with little animosity. I am proud that it is a city that despite the hardships we face, its people get up and continue with their livelihoods. But these mindless yobs are a disgrace to everything that London stands for.

Disbelief – How is it that these Neanderthals think that this is acceptable behaviour? They’re not doing this to avenge the death of Mark Duggan – the majority of them won’t even know who he is. If anything, his death is in vain if these are the consequences. The pictures and scenes of violence leave me open mouthed. There is no need for this kind of behaviour. Disbelief because I have heard people criticise the Metropolitan Police and the London Fire brigade. Are you fucking kidding me?! They put their lives at risk over the last few days (and I’m not sure it’s over yet!). The riots were all over London. The police and the fire brigade did their very best to respond to all calls I’m sure but we has a city have to be that little bit understanding.
I refuse to believe that there is a social class aspect to this. I am of working class. I grew up in a poor borough of London but I know how to behave. I regularly went without but to this day, I wouldn’t steal anything to get what I want. If you want something, you should work for it.
I also refuse to believe that this is because of a lack of respect towards young people. We were all young once. I know young people and I can safely say that I have never been inclined to behave like this. The young people I know do not behave like this. If you behave like you demonstrated last night you will not get any respect off of me. You reap what you sow and your actions last night will have led to the worst karma you can possibly receive.

Anger – I am angry. How the fuck is it that we stood by and let this happen? If every law abiding citizen in their town took to the streets and threw the missiles back at these louts, maybe they’d see sense. I’m angry at the response by the British Government. In my organisation of 24000, I am not allowed to take annual leave at the same time as my counterparts. So how can the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister, the Mayor of London and pretty much all those who run our country go on holiday at the same time?! What took Mr Cameron so long to return? As soon as there were burning buildings in London – someone should have shown some leadership and given the city some guidance. I’m angry that the police are not allowed to beat the shit out of these fuckwits.

Tearful – There were riots in Lewisham & Croydon yesterday. Places very close to my heart for a variety of reasons. It saddens me deeply to see not just these places but London in flames. It’s made me teary to see the innocent shops and livelihoods lost due to sheer yob culture and mob mentality. It saddens me that if this is how some of the youth behave today, what hope is there for the future of this country?

Disgust – How are they capable of the mindset that burning buildings is the way forward? What can they possibly achieve from that? You’re shitting in your own front yards you fucking idiots!
I am disgusted by the parents of these fuckers. Were you just sitting at home watching them create this havoc? How can you be proud of this kind of behaviour? If your kid wasn’t at home after 10:00 last night – find out where they were and do the right thing. If they were even a smidgen involved – take the appropriate actions. I don’t see why you would protect fuckers with that kind of mentality. Give parents more powers to discipline their kids. We are close to becoming that much more of a nanny state. When I was younger, if I was doing something wrong, my parents had a look. Just being given the look was enough for me to stop what I was doing, apologise and go to my room. Because I knew the consequences if I didn't!
The parents of these fuckers should also be made an example of of. They haven't raised children, they've raised savages.

Pride – I am proud of the camaraderie of Londoners. I am proud that we get up and we go about our daily business. I am proud that the behaviour shown by those last night is not representative of a whole generation. I am proud that Londoners are coming together to start the long cleanup process. I am proud that we are not and will not bow down to this thuggish behaviour by these ignorant fuckers. I refuse to call them young people – they are an embarrassment to them.

They say that society has failed them. That the police have failed them – the targets of unnecessary stop and searches. That schools fail them. That the government have failed them. But that’s bollocks. Their parents failed them. But with these actions, they’ve failed themselves more than any other aspect could have.

Closure

2011-08-03T08:29:00.003+01:00

After this, I knew the wedding was looming. So every so often I would check the website again to see if they had your wedding photos up. And lo and behold they do now. A little stalker-ish I know but that wasn't my intention.

I definitely now have complete closure. It still hurts because I invested so much time in "us" and obviously you chose somebody else. But there's so much that you can't offer me. The wedding looks like a nice affair. Not how I would have done it but nice nonetheless. Your outfit was probably the wrong choice - it makes you look fat and that's not meant in a spiteful way but you've clearly put on weight.

We're definitely done.

Tamil Diaspora to Blame?!

2011-07-27T16:23:00.000+01:00

Really?!

The 'Dam

2011-07-20T16:08:00.001+01:00

Some people ~~know~~ think that I am musically challenged. I’m also very unlucky at scoring tickets to concerts I want to see.

So when Take That (complete with Robbie Williams!) announced their tour dates and I found out I would be in Germany at the time they went on sale, I knew I had no hope but was optimistic nonetheless. Leaving strict instructions with my siblings to endeavour to get some, I thought this would be my time. But no. It wasn’t.

So when their European tickets went on sale, I said I was getting some and that would be that! And I did. I managed to secure 3 tickets to their concert in Amsterdam at Amstel Arena (Ajax’s football stadium which was enough in itself to excite me!). And then Take That went and announced more tour dates in Britain – my luck is so bad it’s not worth talking about.

However, Amsterdam 2011 was planned and I have just returned from what was an amazing trip (no illegal substances pun intended). There was a little scare when I heard this but thankfully Monday night RW stepped onto the stage and pretty much smashed the ball out of the park vocally.

TT were incredible. The show production was amazing and the atmosphere inside the venue was electric. There are no words that can do it justice.

But it wasn’t just the show. It was the fact that I spent 4 days with my siblings enjoying stupid jokes, eating crappy food, relishing the crap weather and watching Outsourced (which you must watch – I love Gupta!).

I will post some photos (not that I took many) but just a quick post to explain for the absence.

Coming back to work to a shitload of emails is the worst thing about going on holiday though!

Crap - Literally!

2011-07-08T12:01:00.001+01:00

If you're going to use a public toilet, at least have the decency to lock the door so I don't walk in on you!

Circles

2011-07-06T13:58:00.001+01:00

“S and I are meeting B & A for brunch – come!” arrives the text from R.

And I am engulfed in loneliness.

It’s tough being single amongst couples.

*"Enough with the pity party" - this is what I keep telling myself!*

Broken English

2011-06-30T09:41:00.001+01:00

My dad is slightly sick. He’s been given a cold and he’s also developed some kind of pain in his upper arm.

Last night he was talking to my mum and I heard her start laughing.

“Why didn’t you say Andy Murray then?!”

Apparently my dad was saying “Anty Mortay” which my mum interpreted as “antibiotics” and she only cottoned on that he didn’t mean antibiotics when he said the word tennis.

Slightly worrying because my dad has lived in the country now for nearly 40 years! :S

I Love Pi

2011-06-28T15:08:00.002+01:00

Pi FTW!

So I'm a geek. And what?!

Reflection

2011-06-24T20:14:00.003+01:00

The AP is in full flow. And it brings out the worst in me.

Because I look at myself and wonder why things are the way they are. Why I'm the way I am. And I'm just not happy with what I see.

And I realise that I'm trying so hard to put on a brave face to everybody that it's destroying me even more.

It's Official!

2011-06-24T17:00:00.002+01:00

I am old. Not just chronologically but mentally too.

My train just pulled into a station and there were what seemed like a thousand school kids on the platform. My reaction? "Oh shit!". And then I thought to myself that that's what adults probably said about me and my friends when we were that age!

Crap.

Nuptials

2011-06-20T16:37:00.002+01:00

What do you say to a childhood friend whose fiance has called off their impending wedding?

I can't find the words. :(

Sri Lanka's Killing Fields

2011-06-15T11:42:00.002+01:00

Channel 4 screened this last night. At 23:05. Way past the watershed because the scenes were too distressing and some quite gruesome. For those outside of the UK – it can be watched on 4OD here.

My FB , texts, emails and Twitter were bombarded with reminders and pleas urging friends and families to watch it. To spread the word and help raise the profile of it. I did the same.

Tamils in the Diaspora are labelled as “terrorist sympathisers” because they want to see people brought to justice for the death of innocent Tamil civilians.

The short documentary shows footage from civilian recordings and from military personnel (trophy videos I call them!). I cannot even begin to explain how I felt seeing this stuff.

Let’s face it – the end of the civil war in SL was a bloody one. I mean wars usually are. And the defeat of the LTTE signifies hope and peace for the beautiful island but it was at a big cost to the civilians that were caught in the no fire safety zone.

The no fire safety zone – created by the GOSL and its military powers so that civilians leaving the north would be able to be safe. Encouraged to stay there for their own safety only to be bombarded by shelling and artillery fire. By both sides. I don’t doubt that the LTTE didn’t have some part to play in the deaths of civilians by using them not only as human shields but their own shelling in retaliation to the attack by the military forces in the “no fire safety zone” (they might even have instigated it – but without independent reporting, we’ll never know).

The report calls for an independent war crime investigation. The UN published a report in April 2011 that as many as 40000 people died in the final weeks of the civil war and the report states that Ban Ki-Moon refuses to call for an independent inquiry.
The UN is a complete and utter joke. How can it be taken seriously when it talks of war crimes in Libya but Ban-Ki Moon ignores them elsewhere? Are civilian casualties not important when they are in the third world?! Or when there is a lack of oil profits available? How disheartening is it that a human life is worth so much less than the commodity that is oil?!

Look at the similarities between Ratko Mladic, Bosnian Serb army chief and what happened in Srebrenica and what has happened in SL. Will the world need to wait an excess amount of years before someone is to answer for the deaths?

It will be said that this is LTTE propaganda and in all fairness the documentary does not present a balanced view (in my humble opinion). Both sides are to blame and both should face the consequences. But the GoSL should hand over the captured LTTE members (if in fact they are still alive) so that they can also face charges against them for war crimes.

You judge a person by the company they keep. SL allies itself with China, Russia, Iran and Israel – all countries with questionable human rights and still the UN stands by and does nothing. The worst thing is - SL gets it weapons from these countries but these countries get it from the USA/UK. It's a joke!

I don’t live in SL. I never have. I will never know what it’s like to experience being a Tamil in SL first hand. Nor will I never know what it is like questioning whether I would have able to board a bus safely in the Colombo without fearing for my life. So my writings here are a reflection of what I have seen, heard and do know.

What I do know is that it is not our place to take peoples’ lives.

It’s not a question of LTTE vs. GoSL. It’s not a question of Tamils vs. Sinhalese. It’s a question of how were tens of thousands of innocent Tamil civilians were allowed to die and nobody did anything to stop it. And now nobody is doing anything to question it.

Who Can?

2011-06-03T15:53:00.002+01:00

Dukan!!!

Yes - that was a really poor pun. What to do?

I am going to do the Dukan Diet I think. I'm still contemplating it. I've read lots but I'm going to have to plan what I can and can't eat.

Will let you know when I've started! :

Gluttony

2011-05-27T11:46:00.005+01:00

I like photography.

I like Tamil Wedding Photography.

I am a saddo.

And today having Googled Tamil Wedding Photography, I have seen S and his fiancee in their engagement photos.

And there is the second of my seven. Glutton for punishment.

Lunch

2011-05-20T12:48:00.002+01:00

My lunch was today:

Muruku

Vadai

Milk toffee.

I lurrrrrrrrrrrve milk toffee.

(Did I mention that diabetes is hereditary in my family?!)

XOXO

2011-05-12T12:57:00.001+01:00

Remember when I wrote this?

And Auf wrote this.

Now someone (someone who is a hottie as well) has started to end their texts with x.

Confused? Yeah - that'd be me!

Ten on Tuesday

2011-05-11T12:49:00.002+01:00

I thought I’d do start doing this (well I’d do it today and see how it goes from there!) and I’m doing it on Wednesday so I am late (almost fashionably but not quite) as always! I’ll probably pick up on the 30 Days challenges in about 6 months!

1. If you could watch only one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be? Remember the Titans – because against all adversity, it shows us that there is good in the world. And we can change something if we believe in it enough.

2. Let’s say someone wrote a screenplay about you; what actor/actress would you choose to play you and why? I'm going to say Anne Hathaway though I don't have a reason for it!

3. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in theaters? Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves – And I remember the AP turning up wasted halfway through. Good times!

4. Did you ever make out at the back of a movie theater in middle school/high school? Not in middle or high school but first year of uni. “Make out” is a bit of an understatement…..

5. Are you a Netflix-er, Blockbuster-er or a Redbox-er? (Or none of the above?) For legal reasons – none of the above.

6. Name one actor/actress who you would give anything to have a dinner date with. Ian Somerholder. Do I need a reason? Enough said.

7. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Oh God. So many but one that sticks out in my mind over the last couple of years is Be Kind, Rewind. It was just a pointless film if you ask me.

8. Do you sneak snacks into the theater when you go? Always! Snacks are overpriced at the cinema. You pay extortionate prices to see a film and then have to pay even more extortionate prices to eat that junk?! No thank you.

9. Movie theater popcorn: love or hate it? Love it!

10. What is the all-time best Disney movie in your opinion? Sleeping Beauty. I love the three fairy godmothers!

Acquaintances

2011-05-09T12:51:00.000+01:00

I love my friends – B, A, R, RL, SS and all the other random initials you might have seen on here.

I went out on Friday night without them though. Because I know that when we are out, we stick together. We have our own jokes, our own terminology for things, our own little quirks and I am comfortable around them. Friday night was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Invited out for a birthday party of a boy I didn’t know by a girl who I’ve only recently met is not ideal - social butterfly or not!

But I went because as much as I love my friends, they are at different stages to me and trying to talk to them about how I feel makes me scared. Afraid that they’ll judge me. Thinking that I should have moved on by now.

I met a girl. Someone whom I’ve seen around at other parties. We share mutual friends and have said hello to each other more than once but we’ve never had an actual conversation. But Friday night, I was able to share my fears of loneliness, dating sites, marriage and the future because she is in the exact same boat as me. And it happened so easily. We spoke about our pasts and I mentioned the ex because even though it’s been a while, there is still some pain. My physical insecurities are so rarely voiced in public – in fact not at all. I don’t share with anyone how I feel about myself but with her I did. Not because I want her to become my lifelong friend. But because it felt good to be able to share that with someone who I don’t know. Someone who I don’t care if she’ll judge me or not.
I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that with the usual lot. Not because they wouldn’t support me but because they’d know me at my most vulnerable. And I’m not sure if I want them to see that side of me.

I’m not sure if I want anyone to see that side of me. The side that actually cares. The side that is so lonely that it’s sometimes in despair. The side that matters.

9 Months and Counting

2011-05-04T09:33:00.003+01:00

It has been 9 months since you told me. And about 7 since I last spoke to you. Things are supposed to get easier with time they say and they have - definitely. But lately I've been missing you. Not in a "love of my life kind of way". But in a "you were my best friend" kind of way. Not being able to share what my latest favourite song is. Not being able to share how I feel about the death of the FBI's most wanted. And it's the littlest thing that trigger me off. Seeing the same car that you drive.
The fact that I am at such a different stage in my life than to that of my nearest and dearest friends.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I can't talk to anyone about it. None of them will understand. And it saddens me. Because despite the smile I put on to the outside world, inside I'm crumbling.

25 Days in 2011

2011-05-03T12:55:00.002+01:00

No not a new film.#

25 days annual leave a year is just not enough. :(

14 - 18 July: Amsterdam to see Take That perform!

02 - 24 September: Sydney, Australia via Kuala Lumpar, Malaysia (4 nights).

Total number of days taken: 20. :( And that's not even thinking about all the ad hoc holidays I'll need!

(I've already started scoping out where the best places to party are but all suggestions are welcome!)

Cornered

2011-04-28T11:01:00.001+01:00

April hasn’t been a very productive month for me blog wise.

I’ve been so caught up in trying to figure out what to wear to the Royal Wedding (if only!).

I love weddings. Well certain parts to them.

RL was married over the weekend. Hindu ceremony on the Saturday and the Christian ceremony on the Sunday. I really enjoyed myself – how she and the groom and their families managed to arrange such a beautiful wedding in such a short space of time is beyond me.

My mum attended the Hindu ceremony with me and not once did she raise the question of “So, does anyone take your fancy?”. My own mother – I was so proud.
A comes over to say hello and promptly asks “So – what about that guy over there? I can hook you up you know!”.

The Christian ceremony was for only for family and close friends due to lack of space. I was seated with three recently married couples (B, A, G and their respective halves). I do like to leave myself open for punishment it seems.
Our conversation pretty much ranged from
“So when is it your turn?”, “What kind of guy are you looking for?”, “What about that guy over there?”, “Go and talk to him” to “Man – married life is hard”, “We need to get our own place but it’s so expensive”, “We have our own place and it’s sooo expensive”, “You can’t eat that” and a little bit more. But that’s not the point of this post.

The bit I love most about weddings is the dancing. And if you don’t know by now, Myself, A and his wife R, RL and her husband amongst many of our other friends are freshies. We love Tamil music. We especially love Koothu/Gaana. I can’t help but move when I hear it. And RL catered for the crowd. On came the choons and off we went!
A always tells me that there must be no music around if I want to meet a guy because I concentrate so much on dancing that he probably wouldn’t get a look in (so true it’s sad!).

As the end of the evening approached, time for the bride to throw her bouquet. And so I stepped quietly away from the corwd of girls that were gathering. Purely because I’m not that kind of person. UNTIL A and R decided to bellow across the dance floor (the music was turned down by this point so everyone could hear!) “SCRUMPS! SCRUMPS! Get into the crowd. Get to the front!” And then promptly came over and pushed me towards the crowd.
If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, it only gets worse. I managed to escape them and find a corner at the back of the room away from this. What does RL do? She throws her bouquet as faaaaaar back as possible so it lands on the table next to where I am standing. To which A and R come running over and thrust it into my hands.

I tried to profusely proclaim that it shouldn’t be mine but no one would hear anything of it. Next thing I know there is a mic in front of me. Me being the ever cool, calm and collected girl that I am somewhat hysterically just muttered “I need to go home”.

(Though, once I had that bouquet in my hand though, I didn’t put it down for fear that someone might try and take it from me!)

However, I don’t think the same implications apply if you don’t actually catch a bouquet! Hopefully, it’ll help my family and friends relax a little!

Sins

2011-04-04T20:57:00.003+01:00

As I stand waiting for my friend on this beautiful spring evening and I see all the couples around me, I can't help but feel envy.

1 down. 6 to go.

The Chemist In Me

2011-03-31T10:22:00.004+01:00

Loves it! :) Such a geek and proud!

(image courtesy of Google)

Bonus

2011-03-29T14:27:00.001+01:00

I got one! And yet I've pretty much spent it all already ! :(

With Friends Like These

2011-03-23T14:13:00.001Z

"Man u are utterly awesome. It's a shame u are currently destined for spinster-dom!"

Gee - thanks!

Siblings & Food

2011-03-18T12:26:00.002Z

Unmeasurable sibling love is leaving the biggest ~~piece of chocolate cake~~ lamb chop for you because you've been stuck in traffic for three hours.

Your Views

2011-03-07T10:44:00.004Z

Are you freaking kidding me?!

7 YEARS?!

Actually

2011-03-03T21:43:00.001Z

It was my birthday today. God I'm old! :(

Guess What

2011-03-02T15:45:00.001Z

Day it is tomorrow?! :P

Refreshing

2011-02-28T08:22:00.002Z

I like FB. In fact, I am a fan. But it really grates my goat:

Now that you can't hide your display picture (unless it's from everybody!)
When people add you randomly (i.e. you've never met!)
When people say they know you from FB (at a first meeting)
When people you've met once at a social engagement add you.

So imagine how refreshing I found it when I met a girl on Saturday night who asked me if I wouldn't mind if she added me on FB?!

She was so lovely, I had no hesitations in saying yes! :)

February

2011-02-25T10:45:00.001Z

Our first date.

Our first kiss.

Our first night together.

I know I shouldn’t be missing you. This year would have been 10 years. And I look back and I think of the good times. Isn’t it funny that when you were in my life every day, I couldn’t remember a good time. And now that you’re gone, those are the times I think of most. I did very well over the new year but February holds a very special place in my heart and that’s why it hurts.

It Can Only Get Better!

2011-01-28T10:14:00.003Z

I bet you're dying to know how the "meet-up" went?

Piss poor really. There are plenty of other adjectives to sum it up but why waste words.

Thankfully it didn't take place at home. At the last minute, he somewhat redeemed himself and suggested coffee and I may have surprised him at how quickly I agreed!

We both arrived relatively at the same time so at least there wasn't any awkward waiting around. But there was definitely more awkward moments than needed. He was taller than me - bonus and he was nice enough looking. But that doesn't mean I found the rubbish coming out of his mouth attractive. I think he found my independence slightly intimidating especially when I had an opinion on stuff. To be fair, I'm sure he's a very nice guy but he's just not my very nice guy. And he's called a few times since but I did tell him on the last call that it won't work out. I think he was as relieved as I was!

And if you thought that was bad, I have been roped into going into Tamil Speed Dating on Saturday - oh the joys of being single!

Time & Place

2011-01-24T09:29:00.003Z

There is a time and a place for everything. Being chatted up at 6:45 on a Monday morning on my way to work is not one of them.*

(*Unless you're mega HOT!)

My Very Own Tamil Movie Moment Gone Wrong!

2011-01-20T13:34:00.002Z

You know how they say that girls dream of fairytale endings? You know, how we watch too much Disney movies and rom-coms and want to believe that our prince Charming is out there and our love story will be one of those like an all time classic? Well I’m not one of them. Sure, I believe in true love and truly want to believe that my Prince Charming is out there but past experiences lead me to be believe that this is unlikely. Besides, I’ve always envisaged my life as a bit of a Tamil film. Boy and girl meet. Fall in love. Parents don’t agree. Boy beats up potential father in law. Potential father in law sets right all his wrong and accepts boy with open arms . I’ve never understood these by the way but they make entertaining viewing.

Last Sunday it was time for my “fantasy” to become a “reality”.

Amma received the details of some boy (SB). SB’s mum was here and she spoke to my mum and they swapped charts and it was agreed that me and SB would get to know each other. This was about 10 days ago. Sunday morning, my amma pulls back my duvet and tells me that “they” are coming to see me. “Who?” I ask pulling back the duvet over my head and closing my eyes in the hope she’d leave me alone! “SB and co” she replies. WTF? Why do they want to see me for? What?! And I was induced into panicking – HARD!

“Ponnu Paarkurathu” (Bride viewing in English), was not something I'd really anticipated. At all. What to wear? How to style my hair? And having never having done this, my only reference being Tamil films!

I didn’t want to be there. I ended up wearing a shalwar kameez, left my hair in its curly ringlets and waited. Their arrival was sounded by the doorbell and I waited in the dining room. SB’s mum, sister and brother in law had come. No SB – erm... OK... Surely this was a two way thing – I should get to see him as well right? I waited and waited and thought that I would get away with not having to see them when my aunt called me. And it was awful. I felt like such a cliché, looking at the floor as I walked in. And this is not because I was going for the demure and shy look (because I’m hardly that am I?!)! but purely because I didn’t know where else to look - I didn't want to make eye contact with any of them. And then my mum said “Oh, you can look up”. So I did and they spoke about me as if I wasn’t there. I stayed for about 7 minutes before I said “OK – I’m going back next door now” and ~~ran like an elephant~~ walked like an angel out of the door.

And then about 10 minutes later, they left. With photos of me. Saying that they liked me. Well, jolly good for you! SB called me later that night. Said he’d seen my photos and would like to meet me. Can he come to my house this weekend?! MY HOUSE?! Can’t we meet in a coffee shop like our other modern day peers?! I said OK – because I know that that’s what my amma would want me to do.

I’ve had two conversations with SB since then. We have nothing in common. He doesn’t go out. He doesn’t like girls to go out after a certain time. Our first conversation ended like this:

SB: “Can I ask you a question?”
Scrumps: “Of course”
SB: “What would you do if I told you weren’t allowed out somewhere that you wanted to go to?”
Scrumps: *cough* *splutter* “I think my mum’s calling me. Can I call you back later?”

And now I have to call him tonight (coz he called me last night) and I have to meet him on Sunday.

What a load of bollocks!

Mortified

2011-01-17T11:52:00.002Z

Since buying Hector, I have started taking the train to and from work. This usually takes me an hour and a half considering that I work somewhere in outer Mongolia! (OK – a slight exaggeration.)

In order to keep myself occupied, I’ve started using the time to my advantage and have started catching up on all the American series’ that I watch (Vampire Diaries, Hawaii 5-O, The Mentalist, Nikita, 90210 etc....). I’m currently up to date on all of these so I thought I’d start watching a new one (hey – I have to use the time on the train!) so I downloaded True Blood. I’d heard good things about it so I thought I’d give it a go.

I work along a popular route you see and my train gets quite packed. I’m fortunate however to be able to grab a seat as I get on at the very first stop. I usually choose a two seater and sit next to the window. Just because it’s a little secluded and I’m not in a bay of 4 or 6 and have to rest my netbook on my lap (the two seaters have the fold down trays).

There I was this morning watching the very first episode of True Blood when up pops the image of a woman’s breasts and the scene goes on to show a man with his face in a very sensitive area of hers (tastefully done obviously)! OK – so it wasn’t on there for long – 2 seconds at the most but it felt like a minute to me. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone on the train because I didn’t want them to think that I was watching porn (Not that there’s anything wrong with watching porn but a time and place people!) God knows what the lady sitting next to me must have thought! I spent the next 30 minutes apprehensively watching the rest of the episode praying that nothing of the same nature came up.

Maybe I should rethink my choice of train appropriate viewing material!

Oh My Good Lord!

2011-01-07T10:55:00.001Z

For the love of God people! Just because I am single and you are all coupled up, it does not mean that I need you to hold my hand at every single social event or assume that I will be uncomfortable around couples or be able to fend for myself or sit in a corner wallowing!

Get over yourselves!

NYE

2010-12-31T13:35:00.002Z

Wow - New Years Eve. I feel as though it's come around too quickly. This is only going to be a small reflective post. I mean - you guys have been through most of it with me.

I cried my final tears for S yesterday. No more for 2011 I told myself. Not promising but hoping.

It wasn't a bad year. January saw me start a new job and February saw the first of my business trips with a stint in Basel. It also saw the eldest of my baby cousins start his travelling. 10 months later, he's now in Australia and I miss him immensely but with Skype, his blog, Twitter, Facebook, his random texts and a trip to Oz hopefully planned for Summer 2011, I know that he's doing ok. March saw me turn another year older and not so wiser. Betty decided that her time was coming and I was distraught!

April saw me dating (which clearly didn't work out!) and May saw another business trip in Dublin. How excited was I?! Only to not see any of Dublin (I barely saw my hotel room) working 17 hour days! But making myself indispensable at work will hopefully have have good things in store for 2011! June saw a lot of redecorating at home, some hen dos and bridesmaid outfit fittings.

July saw a whole load of weddings. In fact, that is the only thing July really saw. Ooooh and Jay Z at Wireless (plus a whole heap of other celebs!)! Ooooh and the purchase of Hector (my new car!). And then we reach August. August was a shitty month (11 posts in one month can testify to that!). Having my heart broken once and for all proved a lil' too much for me. My emotions ran wild and I was a wreck. Never had I depended on my siblings or my friends as much as I did then. Hindsight is a great thing and looking back I have a few unanswered questions - to myself but I'll deal with those as and when. September saw a continuation of August. Let's be fair - having someone in your life for 10 years and then leave will take a while to come to terms with right?

The last three months saw me fly a lot! October saw me take a trip to Frankfurt which tested my patience with family! November saw me in Athens which tested my patience with friends(!) and December saw a trip to Budapest with a new friend (all of which need photos I know!).

And here we are. I can only go into this new year optimistic. So my friends are hooking up and falling by the wayside but that doesn't mean it's my time. And I don't have to live by anybody else's time lines. New Year resolutions will be made (and most likely broken!) but my heart will be on my sleeve just as it always has been. If I get hurt - then hopefully I'll learn from it.

To all of you that read this blog. It'll be 3 years old in January. What I started out as a lil' bit of fun because I was bored at work has become such a part of my life. In turn as have you those that read and comment. For all your kind words during the year - my words can do you no justice but thank you.

Happy New Year to all. I hope that 2011 is filled with much happiness, laughter, good times, good fortune and love.

Happy Times

2010-12-30T14:20:00.003Z

I used to work with this beautiful Mauritian guy (JB). Honestly, I remember the first time he walked into the shop I worked at and from then on, every Saturday I looked forward to knowing that I would see him. He was so hot and of course he had that French Creole accent going on so I pretty much melted every time he spoke. Which unfortunately wasn't that much because he was quite quiet but I made the most of it. It wasn't a secret that I thought he was beautiful and my manager at the time (when he himself wasn't ~~sexually harassing~~ "flirting" with me!) had great fun making us both feel quite uncomfortable. There came a point where JB asked me out to the cinema so I agreed. We went to see a Hindi film. With no English subtitles. Which basically meant I sat there whispering into his ear asking questions about the plot line!

The time came for me to leave my Saturday job - and I was sad to be leaving JB. We'd begun to get along really well. As I was getting ready to leave, in walks JB with a beautiful bunch of roses. I wasn't as emotional then as I am now but I was so touched. I still have those dried roses!

And then JB had to go back to Mauritius. We kept in touch and I thought to myself that I would have somewhere to stay if I ever visited the place!

Last September I received a phone call. A number I didn't recognise. And it was JB! He was back to do his MSc. YAY!

Despite our random FB messages, we only managed to meet up yesterday. Lunch and a movie followed by a ~~romantic~~ friendly walk around Covent Garden. He told me there would be reindeer there! Whilst I was watching a street performer, he told me to wait there and he was going to look for them. He came back with a paper bag.

S: What did you get?

JB: A pretzel. I was hungry!

S: We just ate! How are you hungry?

JB: Do you want some?

S: No thank you.

JB: Well I had mine - this one is for you.

And then he promptly handed me the bag. And it wasn't a pretzel. It was a cuddly toy!

And I melted some more. *swoon*

Pre-Christmas Gripe

2010-12-20T19:19:00.003Z

I know I haven't blogged but it's been a busy month and I have yet to upload my Athens or Budapest photos but those posts will follow over the next few days (she said quite optimistically!).

Athens was interesting - and here comes my gripe. Recently heartbroken girl (me btw!), newly married friend (B) and recently engaged friend(St) travelling. A lil' sympathy wouldn't go amiss right? I mean - I am happy to embrace all things wedding and coupley but seriously - all the fucking time?! Give me a break. There were more times than I would have liked where I was totally excluded from the conversation. You'd think that as my friends - they would have sensed the tone but apparently my lack of input into the 500th of these conversations didn't make a difference!

And as the weather worsens in Britain, my lack of not attempting to travel to B's Christmas dinner has been discretely broadcast against me on FB! I'm sorry - because I was sensible and didn't want to risk my life or my car, I'm a bad friend.

And here begins the first of my resolutions for 2011

Stop trying to please everybody.

Inspiration

2010-12-02T13:44:00.004Z

It's all kicking off here in the UK - snow & ice, the president of SL & his visit to Oxford, Wikileaks and not to mention England's bid for the 2018 World Cup!

I have been a lil' busy - Athens, Frankfurt and Paris all to blog about. And I will do that as soon as - but being at work means I can't upload photos and we all know that trips need photos!

Pseudo has inspired me with her post and I thought I should do the same. After all, it's Christmas (as good as)!

Mariah Carey - All I want For Christmas - Before she became all hoe-ish!

Wham - Last Christmas

Miley Cyrus' Version - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

OK - I could go on and put it out there (even further) at how bad my musical taste is but the most important song that reminds me of Christmas is the next one.

Coca Cola - Holidays are Coming

Secrets

2010-11-19T13:39:00.002Z

I'm trying to avoid talking about marriage with anybody and everybody but it seems that people are getting married left, right and centre!

RL is getting married. But I haven't been officially told yet.

Conversation with B on Monday went like this:

B: Dude, I have something to tell you and I really want to but I can't!!!

Scrumps: Oh man! You can't do that! What is it?

B: I can't!

S: OK - fine.

B: OK - It's RL.

S: OK - is it what I think it is?

B: What do you think it is?

S: Well marriage....?

B: *Silence*

S: No way?! That's great news!

B: But I wasn't allowed to tell anyone and you have to act VERY surprised!

And then she proceeds to tell me a lil' bit more about it.

Cue this morning, my conversation with A:

A: Man I need to tell you something but you have to PROMISE you can't tell anyone!

S: I promise.

A: It's about RL. Do you know?

S: Know what?

A: OK - you can't tell anyone about this. She hasn't told anyone. Promise?

S: Promise!

A: She's getting married!!!!!!!!

S: Nooooooooooo wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! (rolling my eyes slightly). To who? When? How?!

A: *proceeds to tell me some stuff*. You can't tell anyone OK. Not even B. RL hasn't told anybody! And you best act surprised!

And then they wonder why I don't share my secrets wholeheartedly with them!

But I love the fact that they love me enough to want to share!

Unhealthy Obsession

2010-11-10T13:16:00.005Z

I can't help myself. I actually love him. I feel like I am in high school all over again.

My siblings were the ones that introduced me to him. And HOT DAMN - he is beautiful.

I watch a lot of American TV shows (some of which most of you probably don't care for but hey, they entertain me!) which include One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl (how HOT is Chuck Bass), Lost (when it was on), How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory to name a few. There's still so many to watch but I have recently started watching The Vampire Diaries.

Set in a small town in American, it tells the story (so far) of two Vampire brothers who come back to said small town and the story progresses about their history and how it relates to the modern world and how everything and everyone is pretty much linked together. And enter Damon Salvatore - the elder vampire brother. The "bad" guy of the two. The charmer, the one that feasts on humans. The one who proclaims to have no feelings (yes I know he's a vampire so he probably doesn't!) but has been hurt by love. Played by the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder, Damon Salvatore is so hot it actually hurts me and that in the last 48 hours, I have managed to watch season 1 (22 episodes) and get up to date with season 2 (5 episodes). It's taken over my life and I can't get enough.

Yes, I'm sad. But I challenge you to watch it and not fall for him! Edward Cullen who?!

Dignity

2010-11-04T12:57:00.002Z

Whilst at the cash point waiting for some money, the wind decides to put me in a very Marilyn Monroe-esque moment by shooting up my skirt and leaving me scrambling around trying to preserve my dignity (of which I am sure that I have absolutely none now!) whilst trying to ensure that no one runs off with the newly withdrawn cash.

Not pretty and definitely not cool!

Problem

2010-10-27T09:52:00.002+01:00

Following this, I didn't swear off men. It would have been the best thing to do considering that I was an emotional wreck.

But I didn't. That doesn't mean I actively went out looking to meet someone. But I did. Meet someone. And it looks as though getting attached to people and wearing my heart on my sleeve is more of a hindrance and a problem than anything else.

Answered

2010-10-24T22:45:00.000+01:00

Your call.

I shouldn't have.

Frequent Flyer

2010-10-15T10:25:00.001+01:00

October 28 2010 - November 02 2010: Frankfurt

Somewhere in the middle of November: Paris

November 25 2010 - November 28 2010: Athens

Beginning of December: Budapest

True Friendship

2010-10-11T16:52:00.002+01:00

Shoulder to cry on?

Pledging to take down your worst enemy alongside you?

Ensuring you're not a walking fashion disaster every time you go out?

Holding your hair back whilst you throw up after a night out?

Telling you that he's not good enough for you?

No.

True friendship? Being able to discuss your toilet habits unabashedly.

Inability

2010-10-08T10:25:00.003+01:00

I don't know if I have it in me to put myself out there. To allow my heart to get hurt. I believe that good things happen to good people. And good things come to those who wait. But sometimes I question that if good things were to happen to me, then I wouldn't be the way God made me. Or how long am I supposed to wait.

I know I'm not alone in heartbreak - the blogs I read tell me that. And it pains me. I know that we're better off in some instances. But how can I believe the advice that I try to tell them when I hardly believe it myself?

I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. But I can't help myself.

Another One

2010-09-30T12:53:00.004+01:00

I started another blog today. One that I can write without telling anybody. Password protect even. Because sometimes, you need to write just to cleanse the soul.

ETA: I'm not deserting this one - I just need somewhere else to write certain things...

Too Much?

2010-09-21T09:09:00.003+01:00

For me, this blog offers an outlet. Blogging allows me to express myself.

But reading back on some of my posts - I wonder if I should have wrote what I did. Cathartic as it is, it only seems to remind me of how I felt. Opening up old wounds. Reminding me of how things were. Questioning how things could have been.

Am I doing the right thing by putting it all out here? Or should I have not wrote anything at all? Could it be that if there's no evidence of it, then the memories will be easier to forget?

More importantly - do I want to forget?

The Worst Part

2010-09-19T01:26:00.004+01:00

You were in my dream last night. Or it could have been the early hours of this morning.

You were lying next to me in bed and we were facing each other.

Telling me that it was going to be OK. That we were going to be OK.

And I, like the fool that I am, believed you.

But the worst part? The worst part was waking up and knowing that that's not how it goes.

Section 2

2010-09-13T13:35:00.002+01:00

My friend has been committed under Section 2 of the Metal Health Act.

Should we (as the people in her life) have been able to see this happening? Erratic emails put down to work stress. FB status updates that made no sense but not in an incoherent way.

When I found out I cried. Because I am at a loss. It's a helpless situation at the moment.

She’s so young.

And none of us know what to do. :(

Unfoolish

2010-09-07T10:44:00.002+01:00

If you Google the lyrics to Ashanti's "Unfoolish" - you'll see I'm in a good place today.

I've copied and pasted the first verse and the chorus just to give you an idea of how I am:

I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave

No more broken heart for me

No more tellin' your lies to me

I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see

No more givin' you everythin'

There's no more takin' my love from me

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you

And though my heart can't take no more,I can't keep running back to you

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you

And though my heart can't take no more,

I won't keep running back to you

You know the tears have finally stopped. Not completely but at least they've stopped being continuous. To be fair, I've been busy - I haven't thought about him as much. That closure call really helped. I miss him. Not as a better half but as my best friend.

But - friendships are always being lost and gained. So hopefully there's other things in store.

Raising A Smile

2010-09-01T13:02:00.002+01:00

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-11137903

For Darwin, Pseudo and any other geeks!

Why?

2010-08-26T22:26:00.001+01:00

Why did you have to call me?

Why did I have to answer?

Why is it like this?

Smell

2010-08-26T11:11:00.000+01:00

My hand cream has a distinctive smell. What’s worse is that it’s the hand cream I used for the very first time when we went on holiday together. So it reminds me of you.

But the more I use, the more that memory starts to fade. And I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.

Letting go of you, us and what could have been is hard.

Hurt

2010-08-18T10:54:00.003+01:00

It’s been a week now since I found out. And for the first four days, I was an emotional wreck. Bursting into tears at any given moment. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t tell anyone for the first two days apart from those that read the blog. Telling them made it real. But then I realised that I couldn’t do it on my own. So I told my siblings. My brother first seeing as he was around. God, that was hard. My siblings have always liked you. I wasn’t able to stop the tears. And then my sister, later on that night once she was around. My sister (being the feisty girl she is), did not mince her words. I think sometimes you need tough love to help you come to term with things. She called you all kinds of names. It didn’t ease the hurt any less but I knew I was loved. Not the love that is offered from a companion but unconditional love from my family. And yet it still hurt and the tears kept coming. The worst was trying not to let Amma see me cry. That night, after I told my siblings, my sister went to work and I remember my brother giving me the biggest hug whilst I cried on his shoulder. And still it hurt.

Amma knows now as well, I think she would have like to have seen us end up together but it’s enough with just my humiliation. I don’t want her to say anything to you and be humiliated also. There’s nothing like a hug from your mum when you’re heartbroken to comfort. And still it hurt.

The weekend came and with nothing to do but wallow, I tried to keep the tears at bay. I wanted to call you. I needed to call you. My brother didn’t leave me alone the whole day. It was almost like I was on suicide watch (no offence). The tears flowed every now and then and I was an emotional wreck. I think what I’ll miss is the fact that I will have no one to call when the AP goes into extreme mode. No one else I know that can relate or talk to about it without judgement. But I will find someone. So you called me on Saturday. To gloat? Most probably not. And I answered. I didn’t cry. I tried again to understand your reasoning. I don’t want a wedding invitation of that I am sure. The goodbye was abrupt. Your battery died before I had a chance to make that complete closure but the intention on my part was clear. And with the feeling of a weight starting to lift, it still hurt but a little less.

Both A and B know now as well. B has never liked you. Thought you were never good enough for me. Couldn’t understand what I saw in you.
A on the other hand wanted us to have a fairytale ending. We were his very own Ross and Rachel. He can’t see why you’ve made this decision. To be fair, I’m not sure anyone can apart from yourself. But you have. And he thinks you’ve “flopped”, which are comforting words to hear on my part. Despite their supporting words, it still hurt. But again, a little bit less.

I have been a right saddo and Googled “inspiration quotes to get over heartbreak” (you can laugh at me), but I have read some words that have made me feel better. I’ve read articles on how to get over it. To let go. And I’ve made a list. The one that these articles tell you to make. It’s what Ross did with Rachel and Julie. I can’t say that it fared well for you.
But let’s face it, compared to what some people are going through in the world, what I'm going through pales in comparison. And with that perspective, it’s hurts that little bit less.

The items associated with memories are slowly being discarded. Some in the bin and some will be given back to you. Some I’ll keep because they’ll remind me that I’ve loved wholeheartedly. And it hurts. And it will continue to hurt but in time, it’ll get easier. I truly believe that. I have to believe that. Because if I don’t, I wouldn’t be me. And being me is more important than believing in what could have been.

To all of you – I can’t thank you enough for the comments that you have left me. Seriously. I know I am emotional (overly sometimes), but your words have been an immense help and by reading them (repeatedly!), it comforts me that there are people whom I’ve never met that are so kind. Thank you.

Fear

2010-08-17T11:43:00.000+01:00

What hurts is not that you chose her but that you gave me up so easily.

What hurts is that you can’t give me an answer as to why.

What hurts is that I wasn’t good enough.

What hurts is that I’ve lost my best friend.

What hurts is knowing that you never loved me as much as I loved you.

What hurts is knowing that I will get over you but it might take a while.

What hurts is that you didn’t tell me when it all first started.

What hurts is that the lies continued until the very end.

What hurts is that we didn’t get to say goodbye.

What hurts is that my biggest fear of being alone and unloved has never hurt as much as it does now.

Words Won't Do.

2010-08-15T15:04:00.003+01:00

Never underestimate the power of kindness of strangers.

Over

2010-08-13T11:58:00.003+01:00

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

When I met you I knew you would be the one for me
'Cause lookin' at you had me feelin' kinda crazy
And what you asked I almost did it automatically
But it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me
Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect babe
You fooled around but see back then it didn't phase me
I thought by stayin' tryin' to change you would be worth it babe
But now I see that tryin' to change you only changed me

All these tears and all of your lies
All these years and now we're sayin' goodbye
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

Now I'm thinkin' that I never should have dealt with you
All this screamin' and this yellin' that we go through
Rainin' late at night I'm sittin' waitin' up for you
Just to tell you how I hate you who've turned in to
So ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you
I'll never play another day of bein' your fool
I wasted all my time on somethin' that just wasn't true
I should have known that I could never ever change you

All these tears and all of your lies
All these years and now we're sayin' goodbye
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
Whenever you see me, don't even speak
I'll never forget what you did to me
Whenever you see me, don't even speak
I'll never forget what you did to me

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
Now it's over baby
It's over baby

I can't believe that it's over baby
Every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we'd fight then we'd cry
So it's over baby
It's over baby

I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin' leavin' baby
I'll never forget what you did to me
So I'm gone, I'm leavin'

Over - Ashanti

Except I didn't leave did I? I stayed. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. And yet it hurts more than I can bear. I have no one to cry to because the person I could cry to doesn't want me.

One Sided

2010-08-12T09:50:00.001+01:00

Wow. Someone else huh?

I guess it was a matter of time. No no, I’m fine.

How long have you known her? Oh wow. Three months.

And you want to marry her? Cool.

Me upset? No I’m doing ok.

So where’s she from? She’s Sri Lankan? Cool.

And where does she live now? Manchester – awesome. At least she won’t have to move far.

What is she like? She sounds nice. What do you like about her? She listens to you? Fair enough.

And what does she do? Pharmacist – cool. No, I’m not upset.

Well, it’s up to you how to deal with your parents. I’m sure they’ll come around to it. Grandchildren solve everything!

Seriously I’m ok. How did you expect me to react? You know how I feel. You can’t expect me to say it over and over again.

What does she have that I don’t? Actually no – scrap that. Pretend I didn’t ask that question. Nothing?

Then why her?

Not A Politician

2010-08-11T12:28:00.001+01:00

But a humanitarian.

It's about time they did something useful:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-south-asia-10925400

Ass Kissing

2010-08-09T09:44:00.001+01:00

There's so much of it around.

Published Without a Title!

2010-08-05T12:41:00.003+01:00

I want to go and see Ellie Goulding live.

I ~~want~~ NEED a holiday. I'm dead set on Thailand but now that everyone is married - I need someone to go with!

:(

A Little Blip

2010-08-02T08:31:00.001+01:00

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” - Audrey Hepburn

If only everyone looked at the world this way. Maybe then I'd be beautiful.....

Rumour Mill

2010-07-30T08:36:00.002+01:00

2+2=5?!

OK - so I'm a lil' bit of a gossip but sometimes I read some blogs and then I read some other blogs and then I read some more blogs and I can't help but think if any of those that I have read are directing their posts at the others that I have read.

Confused?

Basically I'm just suspicious of who's getting it on in the blogosphere!

And then there are those that I want to be getting it on in the blogosphere!

Maybe I'm just reading too much into things....

Awkward

2010-07-26T12:21:00.001+01:00

T: One of your friends on our table was super cute and I 'sensed' some chemistry? What was her name and am I wrong? Good to see you tonight sweets. X

Scrumps: Which one? Let me know innit. Always a pleasure seeing you too honey! x

T: Ah man. Don’t make me describe a Sri Lankan gal. Sat next to A? Slim, tanned? x

S: His wife you mean?!

T: Duh! The other side! X

S: RL?

T: One more? I know who RL is, punk.

S: A was sitting in between RL and his wife!

T: Erm..I just remembered, she probably wasn’t sitting at our table but you were hanging out with her at the dance floor. Oh I give up!

Justifying

2010-07-23T09:13:00.004+01:00

If you work hard, you should play hard right?

I'm just trying to justify what I've done.

Betty is definitely on her last legs. And as much as I want to keep her, it's definitely not financially viable for me to keep her and buy a new car. So I've put down a deposit (inclusive of Betty) for a new car.

And why am I justifying this? Because it's a brand new BMW 320SE convertible. Being delivered in September. And it's going to cost me a fortune!

I knew I wanted a convertible when I was looking. Mainly because I'm at an age where if once I get married, I'll need a car that's a bit more family orientated right? And then as I get older, I'll need a car that suits the needs of me and my family. And when I get old(er), I don't want to be one of those old people who drive convertibles thinking they're cool when they're really not (cue Friends reference - season 7, episode 14 where at the the end the old guy with the same car comes along and goes "How cool are we?!")! So I went along to BMW just to see what was available. Myself - I wanted a lil' 1 series. Small, compact and within my price range. My brother and cousin on the other hand were living vicariously through me! And so I was steered towards the 3 series. And well, once I sat in one - that was that really!

Why do I need to justify it? Well, what with paying a mortgage, bills, travel and occasionally buying shoes(!), I am going to have to make some lifestyle changes in order to accommodate the car! But like I said - you work hard, you play hard so a few sacrifices will have to be made somewhere. And I've started looking for a second part time job!

So the car has been ordered, the deposit has been paid and is now just waiting delivery. But like I told A - the only place the car will be going is up and down my driveway because I'll be too scared to drive it with the thought that I might damage it!

But oh well - how awesome is it going to look?! And any suggestions for names will be taken on board! :)

BARE Pressure!

2010-07-02T11:49:00.003+01:00

A & R are getting married next weekend. I have no weekends free until August now as most are taken up with weddings, mehndis and receptions! I'm not even a bride and it's crazy!

But now my tension has got worse as both A & R have asked me to take some "candid shots"!

My SLR photography skills are limited! I'm still learning. This is immense pressure.

A Picture Over Words

2010-06-28T10:36:00.002+01:00

Image courtesy of ponandzi.com

Amma-isms

2010-06-22T10:58:00.003+01:00

I have road rage. It's a proven fact.

Yesterday - the whole of my area was gridlocked because of some damn traffic lights that haven't been working now for 4 days! Seriously - why do I pay council tax if you guys can't fix things?!

I was in a rush to get to the hardware store to buy some more paint so that I could paint the skirting board before the carpet gets fitted (this morning!). So you can imagine that my patience was at an all time low.

As I indicated to turn left, the car behind refused to give way (some posh sports car that was very big!). Cue me getting irate.

I try not to swear when Amma is in the car but yesterday I couldn't help myself.

"Oh you f***ing w***er! I hope you can f***ing lip read you motherf***er! With your big ass car!" And I continued effing and blinding for about 5 minutes (thoroughly pissed off!).

About 10 minutes later, I must have been talking about some other man and my Amma who pays no attention to me (clearly!) goes " Who? That wonka?!" and points to the car who refused to give way earlier!

Cheered me up no end.

How Young

2010-06-21T13:18:00.000+01:00

I don’t write about my sister much. In fact, I always group my siblings together and my brother gets mentioned more so than she does. The only reason is because he does more than she does.

My sister is a quiet soul. She’s calm and she doesn’t share too much. She’s a bit different to both me and my brother and would probably rather stay in as opposed to a night out (I’m the opposite most of the time).

My brother is in Canada at the moment with my dad. A holiday of convenience to get my dad out of the way so that we can redecorate our living room (and that saga will follow later!). It’s been tough – my sister and I definitely not cut out for manual labour! We’ve managed to strip the walls of wallpaper, get the plastering sorted (someone else did this!) and start painting.

Yesterday as me and my sister were painting, she opened up to me. I remember when she was 16, I found out she had a boyfriend. I went mad. Seriously. The role of the bigger sister has not shone as brightly as did that day. 16 is too young right? And he was 3 years older than her. It just wasn’t the done thing. I remember there were tantrums. My brother knew about it kinda. My parents were completely confused as to why none of us were talking to each other. I remember telling her that she I wouldn’t accept it. I remember her telling me that she’d always choose her family over him. And that she was sorry. There’d be nothing more about this “relationship”. He – a family friend who I’ve known just as long as my sister – someone whom to this day, I love dearly. So what was the problem? I really do believe she was too young.

Fast forward 8 years. They are still in each other’s lives. In fact – he is as much of our family as could be. But they have never pursued where they left off. Mainly because our family has so many issues with him. But now, my sister has grown up. Today is her 24th birthday. My beautiful baby sister. And whilst we were painting yesterday she spoke of how she feels about him. How he feels about her and what path she could take. The fact that we can share such things over such random activities brings smiles and tears – happy emotional tears.

And to me, that is what makes what we have special.

To my beautiful baby sister – Happy Birthday my fatty!

x

HELP!

2010-06-11T09:49:00.005+01:00

I know this is mega late but I have only just realised how I should have utilised this blog!

B's hen night is tomorrow and I've got the majority share of organising stuff. To be fair though - everyone has really helped out and it looks like it will be ~~carnage~~ a great weekend.

However, I need some dares/challenges/forfeits. I've got a few but need more. Can I have some suggestions please? Not too extreme but a lil'!

Some ideas (to give you something to compare yours to!):

· Persuade a stranger to buy you a drink
· Get the phone number of a man whose name begins with a vowel
· Every time you hear a Lady Gaga song, you have to do 10 seconds of the running man (I’ll put some Lady Gaga songs on my phone!)
· Approach a stranger of either sex and pretend that you’ve known them for years.
· Sing Chesney Hawke’s “I am the one and only” in a bar
· Get a bald guy to give you a hug
· Get a picture of you and a guy with a tattoo
· Stand outside a shop window looking in and perform 5 star jumps.
· Act out which animal you’d like to be if you were reincarnated
· Gargle the wedding march
· Find three names and numbers for new volunteers to be in the bridal party
· Approach someone else's table and offer to belly dance for them

Thank you! (in advance!)

Pregnant or Fat?

2010-06-10T12:38:00.002+01:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8730106.stm

I love this article. And totally agree with the last sentence. Many a time I've umm-ed and ahh-ed about offering people my seat. So much so that sometimes, I just sit and pretend I'm doing something on my phone just to avoid eye contact! :

Placards

2010-06-03T10:07:00.002+01:00

I’m going to start carrying some around with me in the car so I can just pick them up and hold them up against the window as I drive past a car.

“You are HOT!”

“DAMN!”

“Learn to EFFING drive!”

“Why are you hogging the fast lane?!”

“Your car is sooooo nice!”

I saw a beautiful guy this morning in a beautiful car who I did a lil’ bit of rearview mirror ~~flirting~~ smiling with.

Yeah, the sun is out and it’s definitely bringing out the floozy in me.

Being Friends with a Gigwhore!

2010-05-29T10:20:00.003+01:00

Being friends with Pseudo is rubbing off on me and it's not helping my wallet at all!

Having read QFAP's post and consumed with jealousy, I longed and cursed myself for being poor.

But it seems that sometimes (just sometimes) that I get a break.

WTF am I talking about? An email in my inbox this morning from my phone provider with a code for 2 for 1 tickets to see Bon Jovi. That's right - BON JOVI! OMG! I'm so excited!

I won't be able to do QFAP's review any justice but I can't wait!

Tribulations

2010-05-24T15:51:00.001+01:00

MAN! I am such a flirt. This is. Definitely. Not. Good. :(

J and I have been out a few times now. About 6 I think. And whilst he’s a lovely lovely guy (he’s so nice), he’s just not the guy for me. Nothing to do with my cultural issues from before. More so that he just doesn’t do it for me. I need someone who can put up with my fiery temperament. Someone who makes me laugh out loud. Someone who just doesn’t happen to be J. And I don’t know how to tell him. The worst thing I can do is give him hope by prolonging our contact.

It’s like I’m breaking up with him and we’re not even a damn couple!

Ad Hoc

2010-05-19T23:34:00.003+01:00

It is 11:34 PM and I am at work. In Dublin.

It's awesome isn't it? My manager called me up at about 14:00 earlier today and asked if I had anything urgent planned for the next two days. When I said no, she basically went "You're going to Dublin". Well she actually asked if I wouldn't mind and I definitely didn't mind. So I rushed home, packed, grabbed my passport and landed in Dublin about 4 hours ago.

Oh the life of a corporate high flier! :P :S

P.S. There's so much I'd like to write about so much stuff but only so much that I think I can share. When did blogging become so difficult?

What You Already Know

2010-05-13T18:53:00.003+01:00

My musical taste is questionable at the best of time so I usually leave these kind of posts to Pseudo or Sabby. But I want to share these with you!

I think they have done other covers but I didn't have time to find any more on youtube!

100% Cheese

2010-05-05T13:00:00.003+01:00

As always - from the bottom up!

From: J [j@work.com]
To: Scrumps [scrumps@work.com]
Subject: RE: Take no notice!

Yep, I manufactured that line all by myself, made from 100% cheese!

From: Scrumps [scrumps@work.com]
To: J [j@work.com]
Subject: RE: Take no notice!

Lol! You’re very sweet!

From: J [j@work.com]
To: Scrumps [scrumps@work.com]
Subject: RE: Take no notice!

Aww, but princesses always get married in the end :) You can go to all their weddings and see what they did wrong and then yours will be perfect!

From: Scrumps [scrumps@work.com]
To: J [j@work.com]
Subject: Take no notice!

Everyone I know is getting married! :(

Bieber Fever

2010-04-30T08:37:00.002+01:00

I love him.

Justin Bieber.

Betty

2010-04-26T12:42:00.001+01:00

Betty is now fixed. I cannot begin to tell you how please I am to have her back!

On a side note - for someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and is bare emotional, why is it I find it so hard to tell people how I'm feeling?!